Celebrity

MEGHAN has relaunched her shopping site, with new products and even more twee bullshit. Here she explains how she’d make your supermarket staples more poncey.

ORLANDO Bloom got new blood while Katy Perry was in space, and now they’re over, basically just like your mates Steve and Becky. Despite involving celebrities, these splits are relatable:

LUCKY and soon-to-be blissfully happy Elizabeth Barker has married Laurence Fox, but such a unique individual as her husband requires unique treatment. She should follow this marital advice:

HELLO there! I’m Oliver O’Connor, a Nottingham primary school teacher, and this is my girlfriend Lucy Parry. But people keep shouting a different name at her in the street.

ELIZABETH Hurley is sixty and still sexy. Are you standing up for Britain by still finding her immeasurably attractive, and if not why not?

HE will become Sir Becks when the King knights him, but why not allow Britain’s prettiest dead-ball specialist to fill the gap in the defensive wall left by Prince Harry’s departure?