Celebrity

'Wait, for I am the true heir to the Chagos Islands!' declares Kirstie Allsopp

THE handover of the Chagos Islands has been delayed at the eleventh hour after Kirstie Allsopp appeared dramatically in court, brandishing documents.

Six celebrity divorces the Daily Mail would like to happen now, please

ENOUGH is enough, and according to Britain’s leading hive of hatemongers these unhappy couples should put off their splits no longer. Divorces by 5pm Friday.

Why Sydney Sweeney is in fact mid, by your girlfriend

TOM, we need to talk. Euphoria is not so complicated that you need to watch it a seventh time. Also there seem to be episodes you favour over others. You need to realise that Sydney Sweeney is, in fact, mid.

'F**k the Labour landslide, we've got rid of Lineker'

RIGHT-wingers are celebrating a victory which puts minor, piffling general election losses in the shade by condemning Gary Lineker to a lucrative retirement.

How little of a shit should you give about Beckxit? A guide

IT’S increasingly difficult to avoid the tiresome tabloid celebrity drama ‘Beckxit’. Find out how little it matters in the scheme of things with this guide.

P Diddy's guide to hosting a sexually depraved garden party

ORGANISING a garden party raises many questions. Finger food or a barbecue? How much wine should I buy? Should I chill the Rohypnol? Luckily renowned party host Sean 'Diddy' Combs is here to advise.

Seven coded messages Kate is sending out through her clothing choices

LIKE a spy deep undercover, the Princess of Wales sends coded messages to the world via her choice of trouser suits. These are the most recent.

Pope and Antichrist both now from Chicago

GOD’s representative on earth and the current manifestation of the Antichrist are now both Chicagoans, it has emerged.

We ask you: how did you survive the Posh and Becks years without going insane?

DAVID Beckham is 50, sending most of the nation into PTSD flashbacks of life under the relentless bombardment of publicity about him and his wife. How did you survive?