By Hannah Tomlinson, aged 34, flat-chested and brunette with glasses in the way that you claimed you liked women to be, Tom
TOM, we need to talk. Euphoria is not so complicated that you need to watch it a seventh time. Also there seem to be episodes you favour over others. You need to realise that Sydney Sweeney is, in fact, mid.
She isn’t a good actress. I guess she’s sort of hot in a ‘male gaze’ kinda way. A basic girl for really basic guys who go to the gym and don’t care about women having opinions.
She’s the human equivalent of a Live, Laugh, Love sign. Just the constituent parts put together – blonde hair, blue eyes, oversized chest. Hot on paper only. I thought you were more discerning than that.
Guys are only into her because she’s purposely designed to be so bland that she appeals to the lowest common denominator, like Coldplay or Nando’s or Ant and Dec. No, I’m not referring to her breasts when I mention Ant and Dec. That would be odd.
She gives me mean girl vibes anyway. There’s this lack of personality, like she was designed in a lab or by an algorithm. In fact, maybe she is actually AI. You’re getting hard to a computer game, Tom. I think that’s pathetic.
Can you please pay attention? Tom, if you’re looking at the screen, that means you’re not listening. There’s nothing about her to like, only nothing to dislike. You’d get bored of tits.
Men imagine they want a woman like her, but no more than a month and they’d want a woman with edge and intelligence who challenges them and who they can actually have a conversation with. That’s right, isn’t it Tom. Did you say yes? Good.
