subscribe
/ Sign Out

Who twatted Elon? A Daily Mash investigation

ELON Musk, at his final White House briefing alongside Trump this weekend, has been properly lamped one. The sad prick claimed his five-year-old did it. Who’s actually responsible? 

Grimes

The alt-pop manic pixie dream solo artist hipster millennials are ashamed they ever masturbated to, Grimes had a close relationship with Musk for years so logically hates him. Lashed out after he tried to rekindle their love by sending her a single rose and a syringe of chilled spunk.

Mark Zuckerberg

Loser nerd challenged loser nerd to a cage match two years ago. It never happened, but Zuckerberg bears a grudge and looks like basically anyone. He could have been dealing a solid haymaker to Elon’s face every month ever since, no matter where or when, just for his own satisfaction. If so, respect.

His dealer

Coincidentally, just as he’s leaving politics after having been fleeced for millions, Elon’s regimen of f**ked-up drug use has been revealed. A regular user of ecstasy, magic mushrooms and ketamine – and the f**king rest – will have frequently aggravated dealers with his shit jokes. Won’t have been his ket dealer, though, who already has the satisfaction of having wrecked his bladder for life.

A child who was winning at a videogame until Elon unplugged the console

And now the five-year-old’s back in the frame. Musk is absolutely a man who would jerk the power lead from a PS5 rather than take a humiliating Fortnite loss, and the smug smile afterwards would enrage even the most innocent mind. Following the punch Elon would call his attacker ‘a bad loser’.

Any White House employee

Elon has treated the staff like shit, and now he’s on the outs. Every government employee he’s pissed off and belittled has bottled their resentment to age like wine. Now they’re still in power and he’s a private individual vulnerable to laws. The casual punch in the face from a military aide was only the beginning.

ChatGPT

He was trying, in the form of a humanoid robot that cost $12.8 billion dollars, to f**k it. Then as he approached orgasm he called it Grok.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Making boyfriend better person 'not difficult'

A BRIDE whose new husband reflected in his wedding speech ‘she has made him a better person’ has admitted that it was not much of a job. 

Hannah Tomlinson, aged 31, confessed to guests she significantly improved the life of 35-year-old Tom Logan in their first week together by persuading him to buy a shower curtain.

She said: “I appreciate him saying it, but then I did write the speech. Last night, 10pm, he was too pissed.

“But it was no challenge to transform him from the unshaven bin rat I first stumbled across to this hottish rodent husband. An electric toothbrush, mandatory gym membership and a ‘no PornHub at the dinner table’ rule and he’s 150 per cent up on what he was.

“The tough stuff – Lynx Africa is not air freshener, sell-by dates are not a conspiracy and on a related note there is no ‘Big Dairy’, and cunnilingus – took longer but we got there. I hope to maintain him at this peak of about two-thirds as good as me.

“The key skills for improving a man are love, positive reinforcement and consistently low expectations. Also in marriage.”

Logan said: “I don’t see why I had to have a speech. I was just going to tell the story of what happened to Simon in the titty bar in Riga.”

Next story ›