ORGANISING a garden party raises many questions. Finger food or a barbecue? How much wine should I buy? Should I chill the Rohypnol? Luckily renowned party host Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs is here to advise.
Don’t run out of essentials
Buy plenty of the garden party items you really don’t want to run out of, such as burger buns, ketchup, lube, condoms and tissues. There’s nothing worse than having a lovely garden party then spending all Sunday wiping spunk off the gazebo.
Finger food or a barbecue?
A barbecue is tempting because everyone likes them, but it requires a lot more effort than readymade nibbles like quiche and sausage rolls. Personally I’d opt for finger food, which has the advantage of leaving one hand free for you to frenziedly masturbate while watching a male prostitute having sex with your partner.
Plan ahead for rain
Sorry guys, but even on the sunniest day English weather cannot be trusted! Before the party make plenty of space in your lounge or dining room. That way if there’s a sudden downpour your guests can come indoors and get on with enjoying the party before they’ve even started to go flaccid.
Should the host provide the prostitutes or is it ‘bring your own hooker’?
Catering for the perversions of 30 guests can get expensive, especially with the prices hookers charge for golden showers these days. I feel the host should provide a good stock of prostitutes, but don’t be afraid to add ‘BYOH’ to the invite.
Outdoor games
These can be fun, but it’s likely your guests will find climaxing repeatedly while ripped to the tits on cocaine and Viagra slightly more interesting than giant Jenga. Save your money.
Should I chill the Rohypnol?
White wine, beers and soft drinks should be kept in a fridge or ice bath, but the depressants you’re spiking them with can usually be kept at room temperature. One less thing for a perfect host to worry about!
Music
As a rap megastar and respected record producer you’d think I’d be picky about the choice of music, but when you’re having so much drug-fuelled sex you need an IV drip to keep you hydrated for another round of frenzied copulation and explosive ejaculation, you’re probably not paying much attention to what’s on the stereo. I just put on The Best of Chris de Burgh.
Don’t let wasps ruin your disgusting perverted sex orgy
Keep food and drinks covered if possible, as insects are attracted to the smell. Wasps are a pain in the neck, and getting one trapped under your foreskin isn’t much fun either, I can tell you!
Are butt plugs dishwasher-safe?
Yes.
