Celebrity

DO internet-famous twats you’ve never heard of keep intruding on your life? These are the new media knobheads you’ll hate explained as quickly and painlessly as possible.

JK ROWLING has accused Emma Watson of being ‘ignorant of how ignorant she is’ in a lengthy screed on X, formerly Twitter. It could be you next. Be ready to take these actions.

EUROVISION winner Lulu has admitted to an affair with the chameleon of pop, David Bowie. These get-togethers were equally far-fetched.

OVERWEIGHT, wheezing men in pubs expect only the highest standards of beauty from celebrity women. Regretfully, they have noted the following flaws.

A 50TH birthday book created for Jeffrey Epstein of messages from the great and good to their favourite millionaire pimp will make an ideal gift this Christmas.

PRINCE Harry is in the UK and presumably desperate to make up with the Daily Mail, his truest friend. Here’s what he needs to do to win it back.

A HUSBAND has explained to his wife that he would, without doubt, leave her for Susanna Reid at the first available opportunity.

LEGENDARY fashion designer Giorgio Armani has died tastefully aged 91. How will you salute him?