Celebrity

LIKE a spy deep undercover, the Princess of Wales sends coded messages to the world via her choice of trouser suits. These are the most recent.

GOD’s representative on earth and the current manifestation of the Antichrist are now both Chicagoans, it has emerged.

DAVID Beckham is 50, sending most of the nation into PTSD flashbacks of life under the relentless bombardment of publicity about him and his wife. How did you survive?

PRINCESS Kate has informed you that your upcoming attempt to imitate her gorgeous blonde highlights will look awful.

DOES Liz Hurley’s new relationship anger you, because she should still be with Hugh? Should that be made to happen whether they want it or not, along with these?

EVERYONE who is anyone is at the funeral of Pope Francis today, except you. What happened to your invite?

THE Vatican has confirmed it will replace the Pope with a rotating series of guest Popes in order to revitalise public interest in the office.

THE Princess of Wales has confirmed that, like all middle-class women in their 40s, she is now into tarot, crystals, homeopathy and all other spiritual woo-woo bullshit.

BEING in space, looking down at that swirled blue marble that is the Earth? It really gives you perspective. From up there, it’s so profoundly obvious my music career is over.