ENOUGH is enough, and according to Britain’s leading hive of hatemongers these unhappy couples should put off their splits no longer. Divorces by 5pm Friday:
Brooklyn Beckham and Nicola Peltz
Previous to his marriage Brooklyn, with his vanity photography project and his risible cookery videos, was a despicable idiot nepo baby. Now he’s warring with his famous parents – whose marriage, after 26 years, we grudgingly tolerate – it’s time for him to leave his wife. We don’t care if you love her. That’s irrelevant.
Justin and Hailey Bieber
Sorry, Hailey, nothing personal. You’re only collateral damage in this one. It’s just we’re deeply invested in the whole narrative of child-star-to-hopeless-drug-addict that we’ve slotted your husband into, and he can’t properly hit rock bottom with you there, can he? You have a child? More collateral damage.
George and Amal Clooney
You’re both left-wing, you don’t deserve to be happy. Amal fights for human rights on behalf of foreigners, for God’s sake, you’ve done this to yourselves. We demand a messy split and a nasty battle for washed-up George’s fortune from that gold-digging cow. Hurry it up while he’s still glancingly famous.
Zendaya and Tom Holland
No problem with either of you particularly, but we need a new Pitt-Aniston-Jolie triangle and we’ve decided you’d fit. How it goes is you get married, Zendaya does another Dune movie with Chalamet and falls in love with him, Tom’s devastated, Kylie Jenner’s furious, we publish long-lens photos of all parties in tears, the public loves it. Deal?
Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds
Oh, do we want this one. Because Lively’s lawsuit exposed half of the celebrity stories we run as utter bullshit created by PRs and propped up by armies of tweeting bots, and that means war. We’ve gone after her co-stars, her friends, and it would really help our case that she’s an evil bitch everyone hates if Ryan would do the right thing. How about it?
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle
Our Everest. Our raison d’être. We get up every morning to find hairline cracks in the Sussex marriage and put pressure on them, and we go to bed vowing to try harder tomorrow. It’s the only thing we want more than a Tory government. We swear this by all that is holy: you will divorce, we will be right, and on that day the world shall rejoice.
