subscribe
/ Sign Out

Men who 'love giving oral' lying

MEN who claim to relish performing cunnilingus are only doing so to get women into bed, they have admitted. 

After years of dishonestly claiming that going down on their partners is actually a huge turn-on for them personally, the men have confessed they are actually only in it in the hope of lavish reciprocation.

Reluctant muff-diver Jack Browne said: “I say I love doing it. I think the women involved appreciate that, even if really they know it can’t possibly be true.

“I do it out of kindness and a sense of obligation, because who in their right minds wants to stick their mouth and nose where someone’s just had a piss?

“My girlfriend loves it and it makes her orgasm which my cock is sadly only occasionally able to. I pretend not to find that hurtful and self-sacrificingly ignore the taste, overcome the breathing difficulties and pick pubes off my tongue like it’s no big deal.

“We do it. But blokes who say they love it are lying. That goes for you too, Dave Grohl.”

Browne’s girlfriend Grace Wood-Morris said: “Commendable honesty. But somehow he simultaneously believes there are women really, really into blowjobs.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

'My wife is not a racist; she just incites racial hatred as a hobby'

By Ray Connolly, former Conservative councillor and without a doubt future Reform candidate 

YOU know what it’s like, with the women. Raising children’s a full-time job but they need something to keep their little hands busy. For my wife it was inciting racial hatred. 

Because childcare is hard, and you need something for yourself to keep your mind alive. Some women crochet. For others it’s making jewellery. But Lucy’s always been one to go her own way.

That’s why, when she was upset and angry about the tragedy in Southport, she indulged in what’s been a great comfort to her and fired off a tweet calling for mass deportation, the burning of migrant hotels and their occupants, and volunteering that she was a racist.

Did she regret the tweet? Yes. Did she delete the tweet? Yes. Had it been seen by 320,000 people as racist riots were sweeping the UK doing exactly as Lucy requested? Also, unfortunately, yes.

But, much as these are Lucy’s views, she fully supports them and she believes everyone in the whole nation agrees with her, she doesn’t really mean them. It was just something to do with her hands and her bigotry during an idle moment.

When the police arrived naturally she submitted to arrest without fuss. Surely they could see from our lovely home and skin hue that we’re decent, law-abiding people, with the minor exception of laws governing incitement to racial hatred.

Even when she was charged she only pleaded guilty to be polite much as one would take a canapé you find distasteful so as not to offend a host. We agreed she’d accept a suspended sentence as a badge of pride.

And now she’s in jail unfairly simply for having a little hobby. What next? Will Starmer lock up innocent women who make golliwogs and post them to black neighbours? To community organisations who set cheerful blazing crosses on lawns?

Lucy must be freed. To be back at home with her children, her family, and her prejudices. Where a woman should be.

Next story ›