THE handover of the Chagos Islands has been delayed at the eleventh hour after Kirstie Allsopp appeared dramatically in court, brandishing documents.
The Location, Location, Location presenter, who appeared to have waded through wetlands and combed crumbling ruins to obtain her proof, demanded all proceedings be halted immediately and her sovereign claim be recognised.
She continued: “I knew what Keir was doing was a betrayal, for I am a Tory. But I felt it on a primal level, as if my ancestors were crying out to warn me of a great injustice.
“Delving within family records, I found the smoking gun: my great-times-seven grandfather, one Jean-Francois de La Alsoppe, had been shipwrecked on that very archipelago.
“But I needed proof of residency, for which I have criss-crossed the globe from Mauritius to Quebec to the darkness of an abandoned records office deep within a Nantwich salt mine. At one point I fought off a pack of wolves armed only with my trusty BMW Z3.
“But now I have it – documentation that shows he lived there for seven years, enough to establish his claim, plus first-hand written testimony that he carved the family crest into a tree and consequently remains the legal owner of the islands with all rights thereof.
“Here’s my bill for ground rent backdated for 400 years, and here’s a letter advising that due to unavoidable recent expenses there will be a sharp rise in the service charge.”
