BREAK-UPS are always difficult, and upsetting things can be said. Celebrities like Chris Martin and Dakota Johnson are no different, so here are some of the comments they might have made.
‘It’s not you, it’s Coldplay’
‘It’s not you…’ is normally a clumsy attempt to soften the blow for the other person, but it’s understandable that Dakota might not want to go out with someone who is a daily reminder of the soporific aural wank of Coldplay. In fact when you put it like that, it’s a miracle they lasted a week.
‘I just don’t love Madame Web anymore’
This is a brutal thing for Chris to say about Dakota’s best-known film, but maybe he’s right to be honest about his feelings. No relationship can survive if it’s based on lies – especially lies like: ‘No, I don’t think it deserves 11 per cent on Rotten Tomatoes at all!’
‘Who doesn’t get the CD collection?’
Chris and Dakota’s CD collection will contain every Coldplay album from Parachutes to Music of the Spheres plus several live albums and compilations. Any couple would fight tooth and claw to not be the one left owning these wastes of useful shelf space.
‘Don’t tell me you’re back with that cow Gwyneth!’
It’s natural for Dakota to wonder if Chris has consciously recoupled with Gwyneth Paltrow, because men are hardwired to try it on with their exes. However it’s more likely it’s just a paranoid thought brought on by the stress of breaking up. Hopefully Chris was able to defuse the situation before Dakota went round to Gywneth’s and vandalised her car while pissed.
‘You’re no Sydney Sweeney!’
If tempers flared during the break-up, Chris could easily have lashed out with this hurtful comment. Deep in her heart, Dakota would know that cinema audiences were far more invested in the 30 seconds of Sydney in a skintight costume than Cassie’s quest to unravel the secrets of her mum’s disease-curing spider, or whatever the f**k was going on.
‘Am I not good enough for you?’
You can’t really blame a rejected partner for sinking into self-pity, but as the frontman of Coldplay this is an extremely unwise thing for Chris to say. Most people’s honest response would be: ‘Yes, you are not good enough. Even Oasis are better, and that’s hardly a wildly ambitious benchmark.’
‘I need to focus on my film career’
Again, during most splits this would be an attempt by Dakota to let Chris down gently, but in this case she really does need to get her arse into gear or she’ll be stuck doing obscure romcoms like she is now. And we suspect she won’t be getting a big pay cheque for Madame Web 2.
‘D’you want to have Fifty Shades of Grey break-up sex?’
Break-up sex is usually a bad idea, and it’s even worse if you base it on the stilted shagging in Fifty Shades of Grey, so let’s hope Chris and Dakota didn’t hop into bed one last time. Laughably tame bondage and a toe-curling discussion of anal fisting probably isn’t the sexual experience you want to remember someone you loved with.
