ORLANDO Bloom got new blood while Katy Perry was in space, and now they’re over, basically just like your mates Steve and Becky. Despite involving celebrities, these splits are relatable:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes
We’ve all done it: fallen in love, had a child, dad decides he’s raising her according to the secret tenets of his berserk religion as some kind of alien messiah, mum waits until he’s out of town promoting Rock of Ages then flees to New York for a divorce specifically stipulating his not being allowed to mention religion to the kid. Just normal stuff.
Katie Perry and Orlando Bloom
‘You seem… different,’ says the wife. ‘As if you’ve been detoxicated somehow. Did you have your blood replaced?’ ‘No way,’ blusters the husband unconvincingly, ‘you’re imagining things! You’ve not been right since that girls’ trip to outer space! You’re possessed by an alien intelligence!’ And thus a marriage falls apart. We’ve all been there.
Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin
Sometimes there’s not one single cause. Sometimes it’s down to the little things, like him always banging away on a neon-painted piano while you’re trying to concentrate on stuffing jade eggs up your fanny to get the perfect scent for a candle. Before you know it you’re posting a statement about consciously uncoupling on the Goop website.
Bobby Womack and Barbara Cooke
Any one of us, in the right circumstances, could attempt to marry the widow of soul legend Sam Cooke, be barred for being too young, marry when you reach 21, then five years later find her shooting at you after your affair with her stepdaughter is discovered. It’s okay, the stepdaughter later marries your younger brother. A story from any UK council estate.
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian
It’s important to have your own interests as a couple. Even if he’s planning his own utopian community of geodesic domes in the desert while you study to be a steatopygian lawyer, then he runs for president, then he makes a claymation video about killing your new boyfriend, then he’s a Nazi. Which of your mates down the pub hasn’t done the same?
Prince Charles and Princess Diana
‘So I fancied this one bird, right, but she was married so my mum fixed me up with this nursery nurse who was alright I suppose but the conversation didn’t exactly flow, then I started seeing the first one and my wife started sleeping with soldiers and getting hung up on art dealers and all kinds of shit. I’m well out of it. Two more Stellas over here mate, yeah?’
