LUCKY and soon-to-be blissfully happy Elizabeth Barker has married Laurence Fox, but such a unique individual as her husband requires unique treatment. She should follow this marital advice:
Grow to love non-stop bullshit
Just after getting married, Laurence tweeted ‘I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with this bed wench’, an obscure term that dates back to slavery. She’ll be hearing a lot of his edgy bullshit, but it should be fine – if she found Laurence as irksome as the rest of society does she’d have told him to f**k off by now.
Don’t mention his ex-wife being in Doctor Who
Not an issue for most married couples, but by now Laurence must be sick of people saying ‘Why did she marry that twat?’ the second Billie Piper is mentioned. Think twice before saying insensitive things like: ‘I think she’ll make a good Doctor Who!’ when you know he dreams of being a sensible, right-wing, genocidal Doctor Who.
Don’t contradict your husband in company
This dated 1950s advice undoubtedly avoids arguments, but is challenging when a twat talks as much shit as Lozza. Nonetheless, when he falsely accuses someone of being a paedo, she should agree they’re a paedo too. And when £180,000 disappears from the joint account to pay the damages, she should simply economise by buying Tesco own-brand.
Find hobbies you love doing together
Easy, as you’re both well into conspiracy bollocks. Laurence has his anti-vax drivel and you believe the moon landings were faked by Stanley Kubrick. Why not combine them into one big romantic theory you can enjoy together, and believe NASA invented Covid-19 to wipe out all its elderly 1960s employees who were ready to turn whistleblower?
Don’t be jealous of him slagging off other women
It’s reasonable to be jealous if your husband says on TV he wouldn’t sleep with a female journalist as it means he’s fantasising about it. But men often idly think about other women sexually and it’s harmless, apart from if it gets you sacked from GB News as Laurence was. Which given their coterie of absolute bellends like Eamonn Holmes and Lee Anderson, takes some doing.
Remember marriage is about give and take
You want to watch an interesting documentary about how 9/11 was a false flag operation using thermite charges, but Laurence wants you to listen to a speech he’s working on for his Reclaim party which won the support of 1.9 per cent of voters in the 2021 London mayoral elections. Compromise and do both at once. It’ll be distracting and unpleasant but it will get both your bollocks activities over with in half the time.
Support him in his ‘career’
A supportive spouse will accompany their partner to company events and be understanding if they have to work late. Laurence doesn’t really have a job, more a succession of pointless, idiotic stunts, such as standing for London mayor or burning LGBT+ bunting in the back garden during Pride. But it will mean a lot if you’re there for him, ideally holding a fire extinguisher for when the twat sets the fence on fire.
