PRINCE Harry and King Charles have agreed to hold a peace summit, but disagreements remain over minor points like his marriage. Can they find an understanding?
Divorce wife
The monarch has made it clear that no reconciliation is possible while his son remains in a happy, fulfilling relationship with a woman he loves and has two children with. ‘Get rid of her and we’ll find you a nice posh English one with underlying mental health issues for you to marry even though you don’t like her,’ he continues, without irony.
Return to the UK
Living in California, blessed by sunshine and barely able to hear the angry ranting of Sarah Vine, is clearly unacceptable. It’s time for Harry to return home, live in one of the family houses and accept that everyone in his life actually works for his brother and hates him. ‘That’s simple maturity,’ his dad explains. ‘You could share Andy’s place if you want company.’
Issue full apologies
Anyone who bought Spare deserves recompense. They paid good money with Harry’s grandmother’s face on for a pack of lies, so Harry must apologise to them all for misleading them. Anyone who only read summarisations of its contents in newspapers is exempted, as this is how Royal information should be disseminated.
Tell Kate you always fancied her more
The Princess of Wales, always delicate, still collapses in tears at the thought an Englishman of undoubted breeding claiming a woman from the New World outshone her. Harry must assure her she is the most attractive woman in the British Isles and he thought of her at the point of his children’s conception.
Accept the tabloids are his best friend
‘These crusades against the red-tops must stop,’ says Charles. ‘Can’t you see that, even when they’re ending your relationships and printing pictures of you in Nazi uniform, that they’re your best friends? Who really mourned your grandmother, Harry? Not the people. They were watching Netflix. It was only the tabloids who cared.’
Prepare to be locked in the tower and executed
As a father, Charles explains, he is naturally forgiving. ‘Observe all these conditions and you’ll be fine while I’m on the throne,’ he continues. ’Wills is less sentimental, so when he becomes King he will have you imprisoned, tried and executed on Whitehall. Don’t make a fuss about it. This is simply what our family does.’
