AMANDA Holden has treated an incurious world to pictures of her 54-year-old arse, and adults everywhere are glad they’re not her nepo babies. Having these as parents must be hell:
Jason Statham, aged 57
As a martial arts expert, Statham’s reasonably authentic as action heroes go. Unfortunately, school bullies will feel this raises the question: ‘Reckon you’re hard, then?’ The gap in their logic in using you as an analogue for your dad’s fighting skills will be hard to explain while being kicked in the testicles.
Amanda Holden, aged 54
School is bad enough due to trigonometry, PE and the saturation point of copper sulphate. The added grief of your friends being familiar with your mum’s tits and arse would not help. Every Daily Mail photoshoot to retain her position on Britain’s Got Talent would be followed by a tsunami of obscene and personal toilet graffiti.
Liam Gallagher, aged 52
There’s little evidence Liam has matured even slightly since Definitely Maybe came out. He still talks the same witless rock’n’roll bollocks he did in 1994, and would having a rock star dad still be cool when he turned up at parents’ evenings saying things like ‘Life’s not in books, it’s having a bullshit detector and keeping it real, yeah?’ Or agonisingly cringe?
Gillian McKeith, aged 65
The former TV turd-sniffer’s career means unpleasant playground nicknames are a certainty. They won’t be imaginative because they don’t need to be. At best you’re ‘Dr Shit’s Kid’, but the less witty ‘Shit Boy’ or ‘Shit Girl’ will do. Feeble, but five years of secondary school and it’ll stick for life.
Richard Madeley, aged 69
At primary school you’d get the odd shout of ‘Your dad’s a wanker!’ because he’s on TV. In secondary school your classmates would realise Richard is a reactionary knob spouting Daily Mail-approved Little Englander views, your woke classmates would be outright hostile, and you’d miss out on snogs and heavy petting as a result. Bastard.
Angelina Jolie, aged 50
You return home from school. An unfamiliar child sits in your favourite seat, holding your Xbox controller, playing on your Call of Duty save. ‘Mom, did you adopt again?’ you call out wearily, knowing the answer is ‘Yes’.
Wynne Evans, aged 53
Being related to the Go Compare man obviously puts you at risk of a beating, and a case can be made under the simple moral principle ‘somebody must pay’. That was before the inappropriate behaviour scandals. ‘Thanks, dad,’ you’d mutter bitterly as you spent another lunchtime hiding in the woodwork room with your only friend, a lathe.
