New Zealand halfway through gruelling three-day lockdown

FOLLOWING the discovery of a handful of local Covid-19 cases, New Zealand is currently halfway through a demanding three-day lockdown.

Britain joins Pacific trade area after f**k-up with map

THE UK has applied to join the Pacific free trade area after international trade secretary Liz Truss managed to completely f**k up reading a map.

Have you booked a foreign holiday this summer and what the f**k were you thinking?

GOVERNMENT quarantine rules have made foreign holidays impossible this summer. But have you already booked one and if so, how thick are you?

A Brexiter's simple guide to EU charges

PARCELS sent to or from the EU now carry extra charges, a detail left out of the Brexit deal. Leave voter Norman Steele explains these vindictive costs.

'Caribbean' and other things Americans can't stop mispronouncing

AMERICANS have made more television than anyone else, and we’ve got nothing else to do but watch it. But why do they say these words f**k all like they’re meant to?

Remembering four years of bullshit: take our commemorative Trump quiz

HE’S without doubt the greatest president ever, beating even Richard Nixon and George W. Bush. But what do you remember about Trump’s four years at the helm? 

The QAnon supporter's guide to pretending it's not all bollocks

ARE your ludicrous QAnon conspiracy theories crumbling around you as Trump leaves office? Here’s how to pretend you expected this all along.

Lil Wayne, Joe Exotic, Lee Harvey Oswald: Trump reveals his pardon list

I HAVE been treated so unfairly by this country. So, so unfairly. It’s really a tragedy how badly they’ve treated your favourite president, and also these guys.

Six twatty things Trump can do today before f**king off

DONALD Trump has just 24 hours left in office. What final anti-democratic asshole acts can he squeeze in before he finally departs?

Britain begins 500-year isolation from the rest of the world

THE UK has begun a period of isolation from the rest of the world that is expected to last until approximately the year 2621.

Welcome to the Brexit: a Dutch border guard tours you around the new Britain

GOEDEMORGEN, I am Geert and I have been sent to welcome you to the Brexit you have for yourselves. Please put your ham in the bin and follow.

16 tweets Trump would have sent this weekend if he could

DONALD Trump’s Twitter account was deleted this weekend, which he considers the worst outrage of the last seven days. Here’s what he would have tweeted if he could.