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How we faked the whole Epstein scandal to screw Trump. By Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama

DONALD Trump has claimed the entire Epstein scandal is a hoax by Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Here they explain how they pulled off this incredible feat of deception.

Hillary: Jeffrey needed to be rich to commit his crimes, so back in 1975 I persuaded him to become a billionaire financier. It was an amazing piece of long-term planning, but it’s paid off now Trump has beaten the Democrats and become president for the second time.  

Barack: It sure has. The next step was to get Jeff into sex trafficking, which was difficult because he was such a moral guy. ‘Some of these girls are young enough to be my daughter!’ he’d protest. I only got him to do it by offering him the ultimate enticement: the chance to make small talk with Bill Gates. 

Hillary: Then in 1987 we began reeling Trump in. I ordered Jeff to befriend him, winning his trust with their shared love of the Village People. It was then we hit our first major problem: Trump wasn’t interested in having sex with younger women. 

Barack: You see Trump was a strong believer in monogamy and always treated women with respect. Sure, he liked to ‘grab them by the pussy’, as he put it, but it was always in a protective, fatherly way. 

Hillary: We had to go over to Plan B – getting the girls to lie. Fortunately both Barack and I are members of the Democratic Party Secret Blood-Drinking Satanic Paedophile Club, so we told the girls that if they didn’t make false accusations against Trump we’d sacrifice them to our Lord Satan.

Barack: Can I top up your glass of adrenochrome, Hilly?

Hillary: Why thank you. Luckily for us the terrified girls complied, so our plan was back on track. Obviously it was costing us a fortune, what with Jeff’s jet and private island, and Ghislaine’s clothes, and free lunches for that fat f**k Prince Andrew. And of course we had no guarantee that Trump would ever become president.

Barack: With the greatest respect, I have to disagree. I always felt that if anyone was likely to become president it was an obnoxious reality TV star who was clearly dumb as a rock with a bright orange face like a clown and hair you couldn’t help laughing at.

Hillary: I’m so glad I listened to you. Anyway, after another decade or so we were ready to spring our trap. But there was a complication: Epstein himself, now awaiting trial on sex trafficking charges. So I snuck into the Metropolitan Correctional Center in New York and strangled him with a bedsheet using my Deep State assassination training. 

Barack: Killing the person with the most incriminating evidence against Trump was a masterstroke!

Hillary: Thank you. And now we’ve got Trump exactly where we want him – in the White House, immune from prosecution and able to suppress the Epstein files for years or simply destroy them. And even if it does emerge that he had sex with underage girls – which he didn’t because we made it up – most of the MAGA cult won’t care so long as he’s racist to blacks and hispanics and keeps bilking them with his stupid merchandise.

Barack: I love it when a plan comes together!

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How to see a boob once porn sites roll out age checks: A guide for teenage boys

UNDER the age of 18 and worried how you’ll ever see funbags again when porn sites ask for age verification? Follow these simple steps.

Watch Titanic

You’ll have to go to the trouble of streaming it and skipping to an hour in, but that’s nothing compared to the lengths people would go to to see a tit in the pre-internet age. The brief, classy shots of Kate Winslet’s chest may seem tame by today’s standards, but it would do today’s youth good to revisit the classics of softcore porn. They’ve been spoiled with their diet of Angela White, anal orgies and futanari videos.

Forage in bushes

It’s hard to believe, but as recently as 20 years ago foraging in bushes was one of the most popular ways to clap eyes on a pair of knockers. Thanks to thousands of good samaritans across Britain, scraps of pages from Mayfair and Razzle were free to be plucked from the nation’s shrubbery by horny teens who didn’t have the balls to purchase a top-shelf magazine from the newsagents. Perhaps age checks will lead to a smutty rewilding.

Visit an art gallery

Art galleries are simply rooms where posh people go to look at classy filth. They may pretend to be admiring the composition and brushwork of a painting, but in reality they’re mentally gawping at some huge naturals from yesteryear. There’ll probably be some distracting crap in the background like cherubs or the French Revolution, but in time you’ll tune this out like a pop-up ad for LiveJasmin.

Buy the Sunday Sport

The Sun used to be a reliable way for teenagers to get their first glimpse of bare jugs, but sadly today the curves of page three models are hidden away underneath skimpy bikinis and revealing lingerie. Mercifully, the Sunday Sport is carrying on the proud tradition of newspapers printing tits galore, and this fine publication has even been so kind as throw in some fannies for readers. Who needs Brazzers? Moving pictures are probably just a fad, like Skibidi Toilet. 

Go on most of the internet

Melons are not the preserve of Pornhub or XVideos. You won’t need to forge a passport or steal your dad’s debit card if you’re desperate to still see chesticles online. With minimal effort you can train social media algorithms to bombard you with an endless torrent of babylons, and with a couple of clicks you can switch off safe search and Google more boobs than you could ogle in 20 lifetimes. Seeing a boob in real life, however, will remain impossible.

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