International

Biden made decision after communing with the dead

PRESIDENT Biden decided to quit the presidential race after speaking to Lincoln, Kennedy and Washington in the twilight lands of the dead, it has emerged.

We ask you: why are Trump supporters pretending they have head injuries?

TRUMP backers at the Republican national convention copied their hero by wearing bandages on their heads. What is wrong with them?

'Arm Trump': spectacularly wrong lessons Americans will learn from the shooting

THE US is panicking and running in all directions after the attempted shooting of Donald Trump, and prepared to come to the following wildly erroneous conclusions.

Woke Secret Service, woke assassin, woke gun and woke bullets, say Republicans

REPUBLICAN sources have examined the assassination attempt on Trump and ascribed every individual element of it to wokeness.

France to remain complete f**king mess with amazing wine and trains

A BRITON striving to understand the politics of France and the French people has admitted, after yesterday’s vote, he only really gets the wine and the trains.

Our turn to be Europe's far-right bastards, say French

THE French have confirmed that, sick of being the victim, they are stepping up to be the continent’s premier xenophobic nationalists.

We ask you: which Hollywood star, ie the only Americans that count, should replace Biden?

JOE Biden is too infirm to be president, so gay liberal Hollywood has no option but to step in. Who should replace him for the showdown against Trump?

Julian Assange returning to Neighbours

LONG-RUNNING Neighbours character Julian Assange, best remembered for a storyline where he revealed Erinsborough’s secrets, is returning to the soap.

How to hide that you're secretly madly in love with Vladimir Putin: a guide for right-wingers

FAR-RIGHT? Doing well with the patriots? They must never find out about your crush on the Prince Adam of the East, President Putin? Throw them off the scent.