International

BEING presented with the Nobel Peace Prize will only stroke Donald Trump’s monstrous ego. Here are five other things you should never give him.

THE US is stepping up its threats to seize Greenland, but secretary of war Pete Hegseth has a habit of leaking top secret information. Here he casually shares his strategy.

THE Central Intelligence Agency is debating who will tell Trump that opening up a third front on as many continents is a bit risky.

DOMESTIC extremists lurk everywhere, ready to strike by opposing self-evidently righteous actions taken by president Trump and myself. Here’s how to spot them.

NOT a bad posting, this Greenland one. Cold but you’re inside for most of it. However I do fear that any day now I’ll be ordered to do something really f**king dumb.

BACK in the office? An unusual number of emails arrived while you were enjoying an extended break? Wait, he f**king did what? Shit, what are we going to do now?

AH, Erasmus! Cruelly snatched from us by the Tories under Brexit, but now restored by Labour. So a new generation can discover the delights of scoring Euro ass.

FOREIGN tourists may have to provide five years of their social media history before visiting America. These blemishes on your account could see you banned for life.