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Don't, and other rules for travelling to Trump's America

THINKING of going on holiday to Donald Trump’s America? Make sure you read this travel advice before booking your flight.

Avoid being a minority

If you’re a straight white cis Christian man, congratulations! You’re free to skip this tip and be on your merry, privileged way. Not part of this blessed demographic? You may want to rethink your life choices. Your attempts to enter the country will be seen as socialist DEI propaganda and could get you shipped off to a gulag in a Cybertruck.

Try to look and sound a bit MAGA

You don’t have to sport a furry hat with horns and storm the Capitol, but donning a Make America Great Again baseball cap probably won’t hurt. Spouting the same braindead language as the President will help you fit in with the locals too, so consider slamming your head in a car door until your IQ plummets to the required level.

Delete your social media apps

A sensible precaution because you made a joke about Trump in 2016 that got two likes which could get you disappeared into the detention system indefinitely. Also your follower count is probably so abysmally low you might not be seen as enough of a winner to enter the country. If you’re desperate to get your numbers up quickly, try sharing pictures of random tits you pulled from Google. 

Keep The Art of the Deal on your person at all times

As far as travel documents go, Trump’s 1987 memoir-cum-business-advice book is more important than your passport or travel insurance. If airport security officers start to get suspicious of you, simply flash this tome and watch as their anxieties miraculously evaporate. With any luck you’ll be upgraded to business class free of charge. Resist consuming its contents though as there’s a significant risk of brain damage.

Don’t

The golden rule for travelling to Trump’s America is simply: don’t. You may be impatient to visit Central Park or the Grand Canyon, but it’s best to wait until Trump is no longer the commander in chief. This means you need to bide your time for roughly four years, but you never know what insurrection, serious illness or assassination attempt tomorrow may bring.

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The top six dating apps, rated on dick pics alone

ON the apps? Then you’ll know they vary wildly in terms of the frequency, clarity and quality of their unsolicited dick pics. Single girl Hannah Tomlinson rates them:

Best for quantity: Tinder

If you want to wander through an endless field of straining erections, running your hands through them wild and carefree, then Tinder is the original and best. Often its users will ghost you immediately after the dick pic, recognising you’ve got what you want now and moving on. And they’re right to.

Best for carefully-shot dick pics: Hinge

A platform for aesthetes, the average male Hinge user knows it’s not what you’ve got, it’s how it’s lit. Often a graduate of film school or bokeh enthusiast, he’s posed his member as dramatically as if it were Colin Firth striding out of a lake. No wonder he’s proud and sharing it within moments of the first hello!

Best for weird dicks: Feeld

Originally for threesomes, there’s an off-putting seriousness about these dick pics. Their owners actually expect you engage with them as penises, not just as a lovely fleshy bouquet presented to a paramour. Still, if you like piercing, tattoos and dinky little bondage harnesses this is the place. One was in a kilt.

Best for sad little relationship dicks: Bumble

It used to be that women made the first move on Bumble, and these are exactly the dick pics you’d expect from that: shyly presented with embarrassment and no real hope of being met with enthusiasm. All these dick pics ask for is grudging acceptance and the chance to father a child then be left alone forever.

Best for quality: Grindr

Now these are the dick pics you’ve been waiting for your whole life. I swiped through in awe, at one point shouting ‘Frame it and put it in the Louvre!’ to an empty room. Athletic, unashamed, battle-hardened and DTF, these dicks spoke to me. But, without the fake profile declaring me to be Gavin of Hoxton, their owners wouldn’t.

Best for spontaneity: Leaving AirDrop open on your iPhone on the Northern line

Romance is about surprise. So what could be more surprising than journeying from Nine Elms to Archway only to find your phone buzzing with a plethora of dick pics? Large, small, white, black, erect or droopy, all penile life is here. Truly we live in an enlightened age.

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