IF you’re about to shag someone you’ve just met, you can at least try to work out what they’re like from their posters and prints. Here’s what you can deduce from their ‘art’.
First edition book covers
A Wuthering Heights cover suggests a passionate person who shares Heathcliff and Cathy’s burning desire. However literary classics never contain actual sex scenes, so it’s no guarantee you’re in for an amazing shag. Conversely, if your partner has Kama Sutra art on the wall they’ll be good in bed but completely insane. Get out before they start telling you about their f**king guardian angel.
Stunted humour
The artists on Etsy are unrivalled at churning out lazy visual humour for idiots, like the one you’ve just gone home with. A 50s housewife saying ‘I’m fine!’ as a pan blazes dangerously on the cooker barely even qualifies as a joke. You honestly don’t want to encourage anyone to think Instagram memes are the zenith of humour, not even with a half-hearted handjob. Time to call a cab.
Retro aperitif adverts
It’s unlikely any young-ish person has a genuine love of Cinzano, a drink known for its ads with Leonard Rossiter and Joan Collins in the 70s. So posters of 1950s adverts for aperitifs like Aperol are more likely to be a half-arsed attempt to look slightly Europhile. Which makes your imminent sexual partner a bit shallow, but on the other hand you’re getting a shag. That’s assuming they don’t suddenly barf up all those sickly, bright orange drinks they’ve been necking.
Hand-drawn kitchen ingredients
That framed picture of chilli varieties is hiding powerful nympho energy behind a facade of domesticity, right? And the one of labelled oyster types looks very pornographic. But before you get too excited about the red-hot sex to come, bear in mind everyone pretends to be interested in cooking these days. Surreptitiously check their fridge. If it’s actually full of boring ready meals you’ll be lucky to get a ten-second blowjob.
Pretentious sci-fi movies
Even if your shag’s posters show they have cult film taste, they’re still a nerd who has the hots for Leeloo or Rick Deckard or someone else not real. Obviously there’s a difference between lame stuff with characters 80s virgins used to fancy – sorry, Colonel Deering – and upmarket Villeneuve sci-fi, but if the date involves sitting through multiple hours of intergalactic backstory, you may find yourself shagging someone considerably less cool than C-3PO.
Non-ironic inspirational quotes
Walking into a bedroom containing a Rupi Kaur poem or some self-congratulatory bullshit like ‘I can and I will. Watch me’ indicates you are with a self-absorbed self-help wanker who either has no real problems or is a pit of neuroses so deep Cthulhu’s probably down there. Are you ready for a long and tedious analysis of everything you do and how you ‘fit together’ as a couple? No. It’s only been two hours since your Curry Club date at the local Spoons.
Celebrity portraits
Learning who your one-night stand admires should really happen organically by talking to them, not crossing their threshold and being confronted by endless ‘iconic’ Jim Morrison posters or Frida Kahlo staring angrily at you from every wall. The only upside is that if you can’t move your eyeballs without seeing another image of Debbie Harry on a mug, poster or calendar, at least you know who your date will be imagining while they’re having sex with you.
