Sunday NFL games compulsory: The US-UK trade deal in full

8th May 2025

A US-UK trade deal means all British citizens must wear MAGA hats, have opinions on LeBron James and shoot paint cans in swamps. Alongside these conditions:

You must watch the NFL

Football – as it will henceforward be termed, the other thing will be soccer – is compulsory. Every Sunday must revolve around the big game. You must choose a team from the Pittsburgh Steelers, the New Orleans Dodgems, the Miami Manatees or the Grand Rapids F**kpigs, and continue to support them even if they move 5,400 miles away for money.

Grits with every meal

Grits, whether hominy or otherwise, are to be served for every meal. Side dishes can include shit-on-a-shingle, aerosol cheese, okra, cornbread, corn chowder, and crab cakes. All meals must conclude by saying: ‘Mh-mhm! Now that’s cookin’!’

Everybody Loves Raymond to be moved to prime-time slot

No longer only seen by business travellers when they wake up at 7am in their miserable, overheated hotels, this third-tier sitcom will now be on nightly and you will know and love the characters. Continued citizenship will depend on a weekly quiz.

Guns

It’s time for guns. Guns for hunters, guns for protection, guns for the sport of shooting, guns for crime, guns for adults, guns for children, guns for fun. Life expectancy will be shorter. However, Coronation Street and EastEnders will be 250 per cent more exciting.

The naming of children

What is most precious to you must be given up. Your child, the whole world to you, must be given a name of the magnitude of Scooter, Bentley, Blair, Kamie or Peyton. Every time you say ‘I love you, Brandin,’ it will hurt.

Trust in Trump

Most humiliatingly of all, the entire nation must follow our prime minister’s example and keep up a shameful pretence that president Trump is a great leader, economic visionary and a tough, manly hero. Even behind closed doors. Even when staring into the bathroom mirror at 3am, you will love Trump.

They'll be live-streaming it: Why Gen Z must never become train drivers

8th May 2025

THE minimum age to become a train driver is being lowered to 18, but can lazy, vape-addicted, teenage masturbators be trusted with the responsibility? Obviously not. Here’s why.

Passengers won’t be able to understand them

Gen Z speak their own gibberish made-up language, so every announcement by train drivers will be something like: ‘Big yikes, gotta spill the tea on a major fail in 4k that’s so not rizz, bruh. Cheugy, fam!’ How this is meant to inform passengers that the train will now terminate at Glasgow Central is anyone’s guess.

They’ll be live-streaming it

All teenagers love live-streaming so will be doing it while they’re driving a train. They’ll be so busy responding to comments they’ll hurtle through stations they’re meant to stop at, rendering rail journeys pointless. It will also generate more insanely boring content, like their TikTok videos of dancing around or trying on clothes. Older people will be nostalgic for the high quality video content of yesteryear like Streetmate, Balls of Steel and Snog Marry Avoid?.

Wanking will cause rail disasters

Teenagers’ addiction to internet porn will result in a death toll of tens of thousands. Drivers’ attention will be entirely focused on masturbating when BOOM! 180 tonnes of metal travelling at 125mph slams into the buffers at Euston, sending train wheels tearing through Burger King and decapitating people waiting for delayed Avanti trains. Nothing will be left of the Gen Z driver, except perhaps a cracked Samsung showing the final cumshot of an implausible MILF threesome scenario.

Vape fumes will obscure hazards

All young people vape constantly, so drivers’ cabs will rapidly fill up with a thick fug of vapour limiting visibility to a few inches. People or animals straying onto the tracks will instantly be reduced to mince, and a fallen tree or landslide will result in hundreds of deaths. All due to Gen Z’s love of ‘Peppermint Mango Oregano Ice’ or whatever nonsense they’re huffing on these days.

Crocs will slip off the dead man’s switch

Gen Z love Crocs, but these hideous clog-like shoes made of plastic will slip off the dead man’s pedal and activate the emergency brakes. As you’re hurled face-first into the luggage rack at the end of the carriage like a rag doll and maimed for life, will you still think 18-year-olds driving trains is a good idea? Will you?

They are all radicalised incels

As the Netflix drama Adolescence proves, all male teenagers have been radicalised by incel chat rooms and now want to murder all women after seeing superficially harmless emojis like a smiley face, which in incel code means ‘The callous bitches are laughing at you for being a virgin’. Female passengers will have to be constantly vigilant – teenage incels won’t bother to stab you in a car park when they can just shove you off the train at 90mph on the outskirts of Stafford.

They’ll leave the cab to check their spots

Unlike the overweight 50-something men who traditionally drive trains, teenagers are covered in disgusting spots. It’s hard to squeeze their rancid pustules while holding a camera phone, so drivers will leave their cabs and go to the train toilet to do it. Result? A head-on collision with another train whose driver is doing the same thing, causing upwards of 800 fatalities. The most tragic irony is that picking at spots only makes them worse.