KEIR Starmer is allowing pubs to stay open two hours later tonight to celebrate VE Day. Here’s how to show your respect for those who experienced the war by drinking more.
Waiting with the lads like they did on D-Day
As you stand with your mates at the bar waiting to get served, take a moment to reflect on how it must have felt for groups of young men waiting in landing craft to set off for the Normandy beaches. Nothing like this, probably. You almost certainly feel a lot less sick and terrified, though that might change once you’ve taken advantage of the Spoons Curry Club madras and been threatened by a pissed-up regular.
Drinking Kronenbourg to pay tribute to the French
Despite the fact that you have previously always claimed to hate the French for no reason whatsoever, on the anniversary of VE Day you feel a great sense of affection towards our wartime allies. Demonstrate this by necking numerous pints of Kronenbourg, because it’s probably what the brave men and women of the Resistance did. But mainly because it’s on offer and only £3.75 a pint.
Catcalling women to thank them for keeping the home fires burning
If the fairer sex back in Blighty hadn’t been making jam out of carrots or whatever nonsense the government told them to do to distract everyone from the misery, men wouldn’t have had anything to come back to. Therefore pay ladies a compliment like ‘Show us your tits, love!’ as you stagger to the next pub. It’s showing your appreciation for what their grannies did in the war and Vera Lynn would approve.
Knocking back vodkas out of respect for the Soviets
While relations with Russia aren’t great currently, there’s no doubt that the enormous sacrifices of the Red Army played a pivotal role in liberating Europe during World War 2. Stick to the whitewashed historical version omitting events in Berlin and the fact that Churchill and Roosevelt f**king hated Stalin; if it’s good enough for the BBC it’s good enough for you and your pissed-up mates. Also Smirnoff is actually British, so that’s doubly patriotic.
Eating a kebab because, er, Turkey was neutral
After making full use of those two extra hours, stumble to your favourite kebab house and demand a large doner with everything. You’re not entirely sure how this is honouring the war dead, but your mate Gary insists Turkey was neutral and therefore it’s more respectful than getting a pizza from the fascist Italians in the takeaway next door. Actually they’re British and serve burgers as well, but remembering the war is very much about token symbolic gestures, so none of Mussolini’s medium pepperonis for you.
Puking in the gutter like the Queen did
It’s almost home time, but there’s one more way for you to salute the sacrifices made by our forebears, and that’s to vomit everything you’ve just consumed back up into the gutter. Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II famously slipped out of Buckingham Palace on the evening of VE Day to dance incognito in the street with the commoners, and no doubt puked her drunken guts up as well. Although it’s unlikely the future monarch also got cautioned by the police for pissing in a bin.
