THE UK has apparently been stitched up like a herring that has been split, gutted, smoked and is now, to widespread horror, served up for breakfast. 

Media attempts to stoke outrage by likening Britain to a kipper have foundered on whole generations not knowing what a kipper is and then, on discovery, being disgusted.

Lucy Parry, aged 28, said: “Sorry? Eating a fish? Before 7am?

“You consume a whole smoked fish then go to work? With that roiling in your belly? Breathing out fish fumes to everyone on the tube? If the EU wants to stop that I’m all f**king for it.”

32-year-old James Bates added: “Also, explain to me why I should give a shit about fishermen? Farmers I get, grudgingly. But I’m hazy on the moral imperative to save blokes who go out in boats.

“As a graphic designer I’m at risk of losing my job to AI. Will the fishermen rally round to save me by blockading offshore server farms with their boats? No, I don’t f**king think they will either.”