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Hezbollah is finished as a movement without Kneecap. By Naim Qassem

AS leader of Hezbollah, I must grimly report that there is no future for us without Kneecap’s winning blend of Irish-language hip-hop, political satire and banging tunes.

Yes, we are tenacious. Yes, our Fajr-3 rockets allow us to strike back intermittently against superior Israeli forces. Yes, we have the vital financial backing of Iran. But without tracks like H.O.O.D. climbing as high as 21 in the Irish Singles Chart, we are finished as a political and military force.

The charging and subsequent release on bail of Mo Chara at Westminster Magistrates’ Court has all the hallmarks of a sophisticated Mossad operation. When agents presented Netanyahu with images of the rapper waving a Hezbollah flag at a gig, he would have immediately ordered Keir Starmer to take out Kneecap with a six-month prison sentence or £5,000 fine. 

Chara is at least free to play Glastonbury, but a custodial sentence could render Kneecap useless in the fight against expansionist Zionism. His bandmates Móglaí Bap and DJ Próvaí could temporarily perform as a two-piece, but it wouldn’t be the same. 

And Kneecap are more to us than a key military asset. Their song Get Your Brits Out has been at number one in the Lebanese charts ever since it came out in 2019. Our young people won’t leave the house without their knitted tricolour balaclavas, an act of considerable bravery in this climate. 

That is why I fear Israel will attempt to assassinate Kneecap. Mossad might poison a batch of Es with weaponised fentanyl, or there could be a raid on West Belfast by Israeli commandos in Hercules transports similar to Entebbe in 1976. When the stakes are this high anything is possible.

Kneecap’s fate, and therefore ours, is in the hands of Allah now. Our only hope is that the UK government and its Crown Prosecution Service stop pursuing the group because they realise they’re starting to look like wankers. Which they really are.

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Man quietly slips into supermarket chiller cabinet

A MAN struggling with the heat has silently crept into a supermarket chiller cabinet and will remain there until next week.

Finding the current soaring temperatures unbearable, Martin Bishop decided to hide in the chilled food section of his local Co-op until the summer weather returns to its normal disappointing state.

Bishop said: “At first I thought it was a mad idea. But once I pushed a few blocks of cheddar aside there was a surprising amount of room.

“I waited until the coast was clear, then gently eased myself in and let the refreshing chill of Richmond sausages and Ginsters Peppered Steak Slices wash over me.

“This is how Edmund must have felt stepping through the wardrobe into Narnia. I doubt he’d have liked the look of the Rustlers burgers either.

“Now the sweltering weather is just a distant memory, along with any feeling in my fingers and toes. I just hope nobody spots me peeping out from behind the tubs of Lurpak. It would be awful to see this hidden gem overrun with tourists.”

Supermarket worker Nikki Hollis said: “It’s cute that Martin thinks he’s the first one to do this. I’m in there all the time when you’re waiting for a staff member to come and sort out the stupid self-service till.”

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