Science & Technology

'Close doors' button on lift does f*ck all, admits engineer

A LIFT engineer has confirmed that the ‘close doors’ button does absolutely f*ck all.  

Man who used washing up liquid in dishwasher honestly thinks he can live by himself

A 36 YEAR-old man who used a generous dose of washing up liquid in his dishwasher has vowed to carry on looking after himself.

Britain wonders if any television will ever be big enough

BRITONS have realised that there is no theoretical limit to the size of the television they would buy.

Bored man wondering if you can put soup in a Soda Stream

A MAN is wondering how far he can take his home carbonating device while hefting a tin of Big Soup questioningly in one hand.

How middle-class is your internet history?

YOUR internet history is an open secret to your boss and your partner so it needs to reflect your values and aspirations. But is it middle-class enough?

Death of iTunes 'like Berlin Wall coming down'

CELEBRATIONS are continuing worldwide after the victory the world feared it would never see: the day iTunes was finally defeated.

Widdecombe to cure gay people using magnets

ANN Widdecombe has confirmed that homosexuality could be reversed with powerful magnets.

Science less than a decade away from fully operational printer

SCIENTISTS will soon develop a home copying machine that is not an absolute pain in the arse, it has been claimed.

Johnson 'proof that we are all just sentient jizz' say experts

TORY leadership candiate Boris Johnson is a powerful reminder that when it comes down to it humans are just overgrown sperm, scientists have confirmed.

Cunning robot ticks 'I'm not a robot' box

A CUNNING robot has outsmarted the Internet by claiming that ‘it is not a robot’ whenever it is asked.

Facebook's 'People you may know' to be renamed 'People you don't like'

FACEBOOK is changing its ‘People you may know’ feature to ‘People you don’t like’, the company has announced.

How you pronounce Huawei and what it says about you

HUAWEI is the Chinese telecoms company suspected of spying on other countries. But how do you pronounce its name?