Science & Technology

How are you using your phone to ruin nights out?

OVERUSING your phone can ruin an evening, unless all your mates are tw*ts who only want to obsessively check their emails too. Here’s how make a sociable night totally pointless.

Man creates another very strong password he will never remember

A MAN has created a unique password that no hacker, bot or even he himself will ever be able to guess.

Man quits job to keep up with LinkedIn notifications

A MAN has left his full-time job to spend his nine-to-five working week trying to get ahead of his LinkedIn notifications.

People who hate massive TVs love them in other people's houses

ANYONE claiming to look down on enormous flatscreen televisions cannot get enough of them when they visit friends’ houses, their friends have confirmed.

Woman who said email went into her spam folder full of sh*t

A WOMAN who claims she did not reply to an email because it went into her spam folder is talking sh*t.

Woman will follow Google Maps into the sea if she has to

A WOMAN following her phone’s satellite navigation has total faith in it regardless of evidence, she has confirmed.

Next iPhone to feature shatterproof glass, decent battery and haha of course it won't

APPLE have announced that the next iPhone will feature multiple actual improvements, before clarifying that they are of course joking.

Apple designer Jony Ive admits he can only draw oblongs

APPLE design guru Sir Jonathan Ive has admitted his iconic designs are based on his inability to draw anything except oblongs.

Kid late for school because mum was d*cking about on Facebook again

A FIVE-year-old boy was 30 minutes late for school because his mum was messing about on Facebook and lost track of time.

'Close doors' button on lift does f*ck all, admits engineer

A LIFT engineer has confirmed that the ‘close doors’ button does absolutely f*ck all.  

Man who used washing up liquid in dishwasher honestly thinks he can live by himself

A 36 YEAR-old man who used a generous dose of washing up liquid in his dishwasher has vowed to carry on looking after himself.

Britain wonders if any television will ever be big enough

BRITONS have realised that there is no theoretical limit to the size of the television they would buy.