Science & Technology

Contactless payment leaves bus drivers searching for new ways to be arseholes

BUS drivers have confirmed that the advent of contactless payment means they are frantically brainstorming new ways to be total arseholes.

Son close to murdering mum and dad with six remotes and no idea what they do

A MAN who sees his parents trying to turn on the TV using every remote control in the house is having thoughts of killing them with his bare hands.

Woman unable to write friendly email without shitload of exclamation marks

A WOMAN is trying to write an email without using exclamation marks but also without coming across as a totally mardy bitch.

Research confirms link between blob of ice cream on floor and child losing its shit

SCIENTISTS have confirmed a link between a blob of delicious ice cream on a floor and a small child that has gone completely mental.

Phone not left to charge overnight going to be a real prick all day now

A PHONE that was not charged properly now plans to be a real pain in the arse by looking as if it will run out of battery at any moment.

Free wifi worth 'less than nothing'

THE free internet connection in airports, shopping centres and cafes is worth a negative amount of money, experts have confirmed.

UK demands vaping but for booze

BRITAIN has demanded scientists come up with something like vaping, where nicotine can be enjoyed safely and conveniently at any time, but for alcohol.

People who make sickening declarations of love online told to f**k off

PEOPLE who put nauseating statements about their partners on Instagram and Facebook have been told to desist.