Science & Technology

People who chase up a text after five minutes told to get a f**king life

PEOPLE who text you after a few minutes to see why you have not replied to their message should piss off and get a life.

Woman says 'thank you' to automated checkout

A SHOPPER starved of human contact has given her sincere thanks to a checkout machine for scanning her purchases.

Elon Musk invents tiny spaceship that can fly right up his piss hole

SOUTH African Elon Musk has announced that now he has conquered space he has a new project: a spaceship that can fly right up his penis.

Why people are really liking your social media posts

WE all get a buzz when our social media posts get a lot of likes. But don’t get too excited - here are the real reasons people have ‘liked’ your online ramblings.   

Scientist doubting life's work after reading Facebook comments by twat

AN expert epidemiologist is doubting everything he has ever learned about viruses after reading the baseless opinions of some halfwit on Facebook.

Hardcore will never die, say scientists

HARDCORE rave music will outlast everything else in the universe, scientists have proved.

Clocks go either back or forward this weekend or next weekend

THE UK has been reminded that the clocks go forward or possibly back, this Saturday or maybe the Saturday after.

The five emotional phases of teaching a grandparent to send a text

IF you want to go from being patiently helpful to a murderous rage in a matter of minutes, try teaching an elderly person to send a text message. Here are the phases you’ll go through.

Five terrifying email subject lines that will make you cry into your keyboard

YOU’RE having a productive day. You’re cruising towards inbox zero. But all it takes is one of these ominously worded email subjects to reduce you to a sobbing mess.

The man's guide to commenting on women's bodies online

IT is vital that women know what men on the internet think is wrong with their bodies. Here’s how to go about this noble work.