LOVE Island is back, and this summer’s contestants are the most homogenous yet. Here they are in ascending order of tiny slivers of individuality:
Tommy Bradley
With sculpted pecs and a shaved body, Tommy is indistinguishable from other men on Love Island, on TOWIE, and in boxes labelled ‘Action Man’. The Sun describes him as a ‘cheeky chappy’ which in this braindead context means he says things like ‘Have you ever thought if animals could talk?’ and is serious.
Helena Ford
Helena ticks all the boxes for Love Island genericity: bikini bod, dyed blonde hair, plumped lips. She does have the retro career of air stewardess, but cancels out any atypicality by being an influencer who posts selfies from Dubai.
Alima Gagio
Alima has a business studies degree and likes cocktails, holidaying in the Mediterranean and Instagram. She’s lab-grown for Love Island. Her closest thing to a distinguishing feature is that she’s Scottish, but don’t expect iconic monologues about kicking back against the system by taking heroin.
Aaron Buckett
Aaron has perfect pecs, an impressive six-pack and thousands of followers on TikTok, but is unusual in that he’s a fellow of medieval languages at Trinity College, Cambridge. No, just kidding, he’s a personal trainer.
Harry Cooksley
Harry has slightly less sculpted pecs than the other guys, so that’s different. However he also has a career as a footballer at semi-pro club, Farnham Town FC where fans apparently call him ‘the Surrey Zidane’ which has to be the worst nickname ever. Assuming there isn’t a ‘Dorking Pele’.
Dejon Noel Williams
Dejon is so unoriginal he combines Aaron and Harry by being semi-pro footballer with the second career of… personal trainer! Looks like viewers are in for some gripping conversations about non-league attendance and bicep curls.
Lucy Quinn
Lucy is blonde, pouty, suits a bikini, and should she tragically fall ill from dodgy paella, ITV has a few clones in vats under the villa. She states she is ‘looking for the man of her dreams’. If her dreams mostly involve gym attendance, she’s in luck.
Megan Moore
A riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma, Megan is blonde, recently went to Spain and is – believe it or not – an influencer. Expect nothing from her, and expect to be disappointed.
Rose Selway
Rose is an entrepreneur with her own ‘tweakments’ chain and who, according to the Daily Mail, has ‘documented her own journey with Botox and filler online’. While only having one interest isn’t great, it’s far more in line with the passions of fellow contestants than the Fermi Paradox.
Ben Holbrough
Six foot two model Ben appears to be boredom given human form. His description of himself is: ‘My hobbies are either going to the gym or playing football.’ Either he’s 12 and writing to a penpal or it’s a cry for help from a man remotely controlled by aliens.
Shakira Khan
Slim, attractive 22-year-old Shakira is a model who enjoys bikinis and Dubai. Perhaps one day a contestant will show some love for a different Gulf state such as Saudi Arabia or Oman, but not this year. Shakira is Asian, but that’s barely noticeable when everyone else is the same shade. Maybe the solution to racial strife is sunbeds.
Kyle Ashman
Has a great six-pack, but even the Mail notes only that he ‘does not have a strong social media presence’. For this audience, that’s almost ‘Kyle is a keen ghost, haunting a 14th century abbey in Gwent.’
Sophie Lee
Sophie has an interesting and traumatic backstory: she used to work as a fire-breather, and was badly burned years ago due to an air conditioning unit blowing the flames back at her. The countdown is on to a looming hunk sensitively asking ‘So can you still, like… do blowjobs?’
Blu Chegini
Blu is a graduate of Oxford Brookes University and a project manager in construction, both dull facts. He’s got an ace in the hole though, and that’s his name. Was he named after the popular temporary adhesive product Blu Tack? Tune in to find out.
Megan Forte Clark
Very pretty, but not a promising contender for an individuality competition because she looks exactly like Love Island finalist Maura Higgins. Until she reveals a Harry Potter-style scar on her forehead, which makes her delightfully unique. However, be careful. Don’t say: ‘I’d give her one. She looks like Harry Potter.’
