THE prime minister has asked his country to be as up for a fight as it is every Friday evening after eight pints and a kebab, but geopolitically.
Starmer has warned the UK that Russian and Chinese aggression is on the rise, and that each and every one of us much reach down deep inside to find our inner belligerent pissed self.
He said: “The threat we now face is more serious, more immediate and more unpredictable than a stag party on an 18-hour bender. We must respond accordingly.
“We have allowed ourselves to relax. To imagine the world is no more dangerous than for a middle-aged couple in a local cocktail bar on their Wednesday date night.
“Those days are gone. Defence is our national priority and it is the duty of every citizen to reach down into yourselves and find your most drunken, aggressive self, ready to hit out at that bloke in the taxi queue who is taking the piss.
“We must be prepared to stagger, to ask hostile nations who the f**k they think they are looking at, to enquire of peacekeepers if they want a f**king go, and to overreact to even the slightest provocation with indiscriminate violence.
“I know you can do it. I’ve seen you shitfaced. And I, in turn, will summon up the youthful spirit that once saw me headbutt a man at a Leeds University Smiths night in 1985.”
