How to make a kitten on a pizza: Seven pointless things you learned from AI training

10th June 2025

SEVEN-and-a-half million Britons will be trained in AI by 2030. Your workplace AI course leads you to question the value of this, because here’s what you learned:

AI is boring

Into bland, noncommittal text full of buzzphrases like ‘core values’ that only repeats other sources? If so there’s Instagram and ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ signs. This isn’t Orwell’s ‘boot stamping on a human face – forever’. It’s being stuck on a train with a man telling you about his £320 hiking boots who will never, ever tire.

You can make an image of a kitten eating pizza

Or a fox eating an ice cream, or commuters flying to work on a paper plane, or Cthulhu on the cross-trainer. Why? That’s still your problem. AI sounds futuristic and is an opportunity for the private sector to coin it in, so it must happen. Getting Universal Credit will soon require you to, once a day, make a picture of mice on a rollercoaster.

It won’t let you do porn

Pornography is AI’s killer app, obviously. But your training software blocks even ‘sexy’ and ‘underwear’, heedless of your perfectly normal and healthy desire to create a sexy lady badger in a basque. You need to get good at this stuff if Britain’s to keep up its end in the AI porn race.

You are now qualified to read a short précis of a topic

After training in AI you will be able to use it to give you a short summary of any topic, much like Google AI Overview which you see numerous times every f**king day. You will be able to read it with your eyes. So you need training for a world that will be easier?

AI is instantly recognisable as AI

Bad AI images have massive errors like people sprouting from a table. Good AI images are still obviously AI. Thousands of artists are suing AI for being trained on their work, but if anything it’s been trained exclusively on 80s airbrush artists who favoured large-breasted ladies on motorcycles as their subject.

You have learned AI is frequently wrong

Use AI for any length of time and it will tell you ‘the Sopwith Camel is credited with more than 6,000 kills in World War 2’ or that ‘cheese me in the yogurts’ is a popular saying. What a wonderful future this promises when all our knowledge is slightly wrong and Kate Winslet is rightly listed as one of the 705 survivors of the Titanic.

AI video will give you new and interesting nightmares

Two days of AI training and you woke up, wet with sweat, about a woman with cheeseburger hands that morphed into shark’s mouths. Bored of your usual nightmares? AI can give you so many more, especially after five hours on Grok really refining that lady badger in a basque.

British nuclear power plants: can we not just get Aldi to build them?

10th June 2025

THE government has pledged £14.2bn of its own money to build a new nuclear power plant. What happened to just getting Aldi or whoever to build them?

Because yes, this country needs to replace its decaying infrastructure, but why should that be our job? Can’t we just get some multinational corporation that doesn’t give a shit and is immune to lawsuits to do it for us?

What happened to China building a nuclear power plant? They still are? Why aren’t they building this one, then? Sure, there’s a risk because they’re a hostile foreign power, but if the alternative is doing it ourselves then no thanks.

If this country has been build on anything these past few decades, it’s overseas investment. We sell it, they buy it, building reservoirs or whatever is their problem. Largely they don’t, but at least the decision’s out of our hands.

Do we really want to return to the dark days of large-scale public works done by the state, like this was the 1950s? Thousands of British workers employed by the British state building British infrastructure for British people? Urgh. No thanks.

I don’t give a bugger who does the job. It could be Aldi, it could be Red Bull, it could be the Sinaloa Cartel for all I care. If they’re willing to give us a cheap quote many times lower than the final bill will be when they finish the job six years late, that’s enough for me.

French-state owned EDF are still involved in this one and expect hefty profits? Excellent. But I see we plan to use British Rolls Royce reactors, and that makes me edgy.

Why can’t we get a reputable foreign provider in to build reactors that could irradiate half our country if they go wrong? Do Tesla make reactors? They’re a name you can trust.