subscribe
/ Sign Out

Woman 'not like other girls' under impression no other girls say that

A WOMAN who stresses to men that she is ‘not like other girls’ would be surprised to learn that other girls just like her also say that. 

Sophie Rodriguez, aged 23, is attempting to woo 25-year-old Jordan Gardner by convincing him how different she is from any other girl who might claim to be devastatingly original and different.

She continued: “A girl, deliberately eschewing the convention that she is similar to others of her sex? Bet you’ve not heard that before.

“I’m not one of those weepy types who wears long gowns and wants you at home all the time, talking of journalling and lip gloss. I’m a bold outdoorsy type who rode horses as a kid. No other teenage girl has ever been into horses.

“I like tarot cards, I work in PR, and I’m so chill that I don’t mind you hanging out with other girls once I’ve seen a recent photo. I’ll even watch a football match if England are playing and it’s on in the room I’m in.

“What can I say? I grew up with brothers and it made me into a sexy tomboy unconfined by the strictures of conventional bourgeois society. I break wind and find it hilarious.”

Gardner said: “She talks a good game. But we’re having this conversation over a prosecco brunch she’s already posted on Instagram.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

How to be more outraged by a U-turn than you were by the original policy

SICKENING Labour policies hurting ordinary pensioners are bad enough, but U-turning on them? That’s unforgivable. Keep your ire at the appropriate levels with this guide: 

Hate daily

Despising a U-turn is like running a marathon; you can’t just embark on it without proper preparation. Keep a laminated picture of Rachel Reeves on you at all times and at moments when rage ceases to curdle your stomach, get it out. Mail, Express and Telegraph readers can use their newspaper.

Ignore any benefits

So what if three quarters of pensioners are set to receive their winter fuel payments once again without paperwork? The original sin is all that matters and can never be erased. Live in the past forever and refuse to update your opinion with relevant information, otherwise there’s a risk your vitriol will dip.

Pretend you hated winter fuel payments all along

Yes, you declared this government ‘over’ when they first announced the cuts, so in theory you’d welcome this U-turn. But to maintain your zealous rage, gaslight yourself into believing that you wanted pensioners to be culled by a harsh winter. As you’ve always said as of 18 hours ago, it’s nature’s way of controlling the population.

Remember, Hitler made U-turns

Left-leaning wokies might argue that a U-turn is an acceptable way of reversing a bad policy, but they couldn’t be further from the truth. Adolf Hitler? Promised never to invade Russia, then in June 1941 sent his armies toward Moscow? Only for it to end in Stalingrad and defeat? That’s what happens to those who U-turn, Starmer.

Insist the damage is done

The policy itself may have changed, but not the hurt it caused to the British people. Like the Liz Truss premiership or any of Boris Johnson’s affairs, that cannot be forgiven. The Winter Fuel Shuffle will be the only issue at the next election in four years time, or sooner if this broken government faces up to reality.

Double down on all of the above

Doubling down is the opposite of a U-turn, so repeat the above steps multiple times a day. Side effects may include a notable decline in IQ and drifting apart from friends and family, but it’s better to suffer those consequences than to acknowledge that a politician made a mistake then dared to correct it.

Next story ›