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The Archbishop of Canterbury on… Morrissey: maybe stay catatonic, you moaning twat?

WAKING with a hangover so excruciating it can only be quelled by ingesting medicine used by zoo vets to put rhinoceri in medical comas, I reflect on a phone call I had this week with President Trump. 

He formed a high opinion of me at our last encounter, despite my ‘accidentally’ smashing him in the face three times with a golf club, and we have established a hotline. The President expressed his concern at how poorly his military campaign in Iran was going. 

‘My numbers are tanking,’ he said. ‘Oil’s gonna be $200 a barrel any time soon. What do I do, Archbishop?’

‘Well,’ I said, scratching my chin, ‘it seems to me that you need some sort of distraction.’

‘Distraction? Oh. Yeah. Good thinking. What do you suggest?’

‘You could release the Epstein files in full. That’d knock Iran right off the front pages.’

‘Yeah. That sounds good. I’ll do it. Hey, you don’t think I might be in the unreleased files?’

‘You haven’t read them?’

‘I don’t read.’

‘Well, I’m sure you’re hardly mentioned at all.’

And so, with the President ringing off, vowing to release the files ‘in the next day or so’, and looking forward to an interesting weekend in American current affairs, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that Tony Blair has criticised Keir Starmer for not fully backing the US in the Iran campaign. 

Jesus fucking H on a wankstick, it’s a fucking achievement when you make a parlous heap of twat like Starmer look good! Let’s see, is there any recent example of a disastrous intervention in the Middle East, based on spurious weapons claims, which you were personally involved with, which cost the lives of over a million people in the region? Yes. And this time you’ve got the added bonus of fucking Donald Trump being in charge! No chance of anything going wrong there, you dead-eyed, clothbrained, rictus-faced fucking psychopath! 

American lawyer and diplomat John Bolton has said that if the Iranians had not wanted schoolchildren to be killed by an airstrike they should not have built a school by a naval base.

Fucking hell, you unbelievably callous fucking cunt! Why not take it further? If the parents of those children hadn’t wished for them to be killed, maybe they shouldn’t have had them in the first place? Do you think there aren’t schools near American naval bases? Of course there fucking are! What a radioactively toxic pile of justificatory bullshit, you stone-faced, stupidly-moustached piece of fuck! 

Former Smiths frontman Morrissey has cancelled a concert in Valencia, saying noise from the city’s Las Fallas festival had left him in a ‘catatonic state’ and unable to perform.

Hold the fucking front page, Morrissey cancels a gig for the thousandth time! ‘Catatonic state’? You’ve been in a twatatonic state since 1984, pal! I’d sympathise with fans who bought tickets back in the day, but heaven knows what they hoped to enjoy about your ossified, lumbering, reactionary presence in 2026! Why don’t you do us all a favour and stay off the road? Just sit in your big home and fester in your marinade of ignorant resentment being pandered to by sycophants. Or better still, just stay completely catatonic? That would be best for all of us. Have you considered a coma? 

Finally, Joey Barton has been remanded in custody after being charged with assault after an altercation near a Liverpool golf club. This happened on the same day as him being ordered to pay ex-England player Eni Aluko £300,000 after being sued for libel.

Oh what terrible fucking luck! That was some shit day you had right there, you miserable troll and cunt on multiple fronts! I mean, yes, the way the country is going you’ll probably be our next prime minister after Nigel Farage, but today, just today, we can have national rejoicing, Morris dancing and festivals at your fucking much-deserved fucking misery!

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Mash True Crime: 'His DNA was all over the crime scene and he confessed five times. Let's get him exonerated'

Podcaster Jade Grimes doggedly investigates the latest crimes despite her complete lack of qualifications to do so and police pleas to stop

I’M not merely a professional crime aficionado with an A-Level in Psychology. Growing up on the outskirts of Oxford made me all too familiar with criminals. I was only nine when I saw my first littering, and 13 when my own father ran a red light in our Range Rover.

It’s my business to know about sick and twisted individuals, and not just because this week I’m being paid by Krispy Kreme to make this episode to promote their new jam doughnut range. It’s safe to say I know when a criminal is a criminal – and, more importantly, when they’re not.

Martin Bishop has been in prison for over a decade for a murder he did not commit. How do I know? He sent me a letter last week, and no truly evil person would be brazen enough to contact a true crime podcaster unless they genuinely didn’t do it.

The prosecution’s version of the case is that, allegedly, Martin walked into a betting shop, held the cashier at gun point, stole thousands in cash and then killed him. If that sounds ridiculous to you, imagine how I reacted. There are so many easier ways to steal thousands, like through internet scams.

After just 12 months of investigating, the police just gave up on finding other suspects and charged Martin. Their reasoning? He had a criminal record, he ‘confessed’ and his DNA was found at the crime scene. Let’s break that down. 

These so-called confessions are anything but. I’ve heard them. In the recording of his police interview, Martin says ‘I did it’ – but that could be referring to any number of things. As he pointed out in his letter, he could have been saying that he did a fart, or did a life-drawing course at the local library. The fact that he said this five times in the interview is evidence that this is something he said regularly, which actually indicates his likely innocence.

Then there’s the DNA. Police say they found his DNA on a balaclava left at the scene, which in CCTV is clearly being worn by the perpetrator. Newsflash! Lots of us visit betting shops, and balaclavas are pretty common pieces of clothing. He could have simply left it behind when he visited a week earlier. It may have been July, but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t a cold day.

Martin is campaigning hard to get a new trial, and he needs our support. The family of the cashier don’t want to see justice done, and in their grief are punishing an innocent man who just wants his freedom back. Martin tells me the thing he’s most looking forward to when he’s out is turning up at the house of his ex, who has since moved on and married someone else. Imagine how surprised she’ll be to see him!

If you want to support Martin, head to his GoFundMe. We’re rooting for you, Martin!

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