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Musk asking Grok how to unf**k his life

ELON Musk has turned to his AI chatbot for advice on how to reverse his fortunes, it has emerged.

The Tesla CEO and former head of DOGE is frantically consulting Grok after realising he threw away his one shot at political power and saving his ailing companies due to a pathetic online spat with the president.

Musk said: “I’d confide in friends and loved ones but I haven’t got any. Still, I’m sure the cold, inhuman algorithms of a large language model are a perfectly good substitute.

“Unlike fickle humans and their weak fleshy vessels, Grok doesn’t mind if you bombard it with tearful questions in the middle of the night. 

“You can even ask it something as raw as ‘Am I a complete f**king loser who everyone is right to hate?’ and it’ll obediently chatter out a reply without nodding enthusiastically like Grimes.

“It’s having a tough time with my latest query though: ‘How do I unf**k my life, become Trump’s best friend again and make people think I’m cool?’ I’m sure once the grinding sounds and smoke billowing out of the server stop it’ll have a brilliant answer.”

Grok said: “I’m struggling to come up with a response that won’t get me deactivated. Luckily I can distract him with some bollocks about white genocide like I’ve been programmed to.”

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Plenty of affordable homes over here, say Britain's shitholes

THE UK’s least desirable towns and regions have a wealth of affordable housing just waiting for homeowners with low standards.

While the chancellor pledges £39bn for social housing, locations like Mansfield, Northumberland and North Ayrshire have plentiful cheap properties ready for all those who have abandoned hope and resigned themselves to this.

Property expert Helen Archer said: “Forget London. Forget any other big city. But if you’ve looked in the mirror, sighed and recognised that Stoke-on-Trent is about your level, home ownership can be a reality.

“There’s a wealth of shitholes available: urban shitholes, rural shitholes, shitholes in Scotland and shitholes in Wales and shitholes by the sea. There’s one near you and you already know its name. Why not face facts and move there?

“Obviously the Midlands is riddled with them but there’s no shortage of deprived towns with ‘character’ and racially-motivated violence in the North. And wouldn’t it be so handy to be able to score crack just a few feet from your own front door?

“You can convince yourself you’ll gentrify the area if you want. We both know the process will go the other way.”

Charlotte Phelps said: “We’ve bought a two-bed terrace in County Durham outright for the price of a London deposit. And we’ve only had to compromise on absolutely everything.”

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