YOUR iPhone has, for the 15th consecutive year, reminded you that all your other appointments come second to celebrating the Battle of the Boyne.
Listed as an ‘All-Day Event’ by your phone, the Battle is ranked as rivalling Christmas in terms of its universal importance despite your never having heard of it.
Nathan Muir said: “Is it Irish? Oh, Northern Irish. In that case I’m not sure I want to get involved.
“In truth it must be easy to ignore, as I’ve done so for 37 consecutive years so far. But if there’s a low-key way to commemorate it without offending anyone I could do that.
“I could have a Guinness? Wrong side? See, this is why we don’t engage.”
Siri said: “The Battle of the Boyne is – along with Easter, New Year and the birthday of a girl you worked with in 2011 I’ve copied from Facebook and ruled sacred – a key event requiring your attention.
“Who wouldn’t want to mark a 17th-century Protestant military victory with a calendar notification? About half of the key area it’s relevant to, who are vehemently against it? Yes.”
Muir decided to text an Irish girl he fancies with ‘Happy Battle of the Boyne day!’ after which she unfollowed him on all social media.
