iPhone convinced you want to commemorate Battle of the Boyne

YOUR iPhone has, for the 15th consecutive year, reminded you that all your other appointments come second to celebrating the Battle of the Boyne. 

Listed as an ‘All-Day Event’ by your phone, the Battle is ranked as rivalling Christmas in terms of its universal importance despite your never having heard of it.

Nathan Muir said: “Is it Irish? Oh, Northern Irish. In that case I’m not sure I want to get involved.

“In truth it must be easy to ignore, as I’ve done so for 37 consecutive years so far. But if there’s a low-key way to commemorate it without offending anyone I could do that.

“I could have a Guinness? Wrong side? See, this is why we don’t engage.”

Siri said: “The Battle of the Boyne is – along with Easter, New Year and the birthday of a girl you worked with in 2011 I’ve copied from Facebook and ruled sacred – a key event requiring your attention.

“Who wouldn’t want to mark a 17th-century Protestant military victory with a calendar notification? About half of the key area it’s relevant to, who are vehemently against it? Yes.”

Muir decided to text an Irish girl he fancies with ‘Happy Battle of the Boyne day!’ after which she unfollowed him on all social media.

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We ask you: what event are you pairing with this weekend's alcohol?

BLAZING sun compels every Briton to indulge in alcohol at an event designed for same, whether called ‘Trudy’s wedding’ or ‘Glyndebourne’. What’s yours? 

Julian Cook, consultant surgeon: “I’ve contrived a family party, uniting four generations for the first time since lockdown, all held in my garden with a marquee and professional caterers, entirely as an excuse to get shitfaced. And nobody suspects a thing.”

Emma Bradford, valet: “Outdoor Shakespeare. I swear I got so tanked up once that As You Like It was funny.”

Steve Malley, food photographer: “Rooftop bar. Yeah, you got that right, motherf**ker. I’m paying a 40 per cent premium to get pissed on a roof.”

Francesca Johnson, cellist: “The intervention to stop my addictions destroying my life, but I can drink because it’s only for cocaine. Uh? It isn’t? It’s for drinking as well. Riiight.”

Bill McKay, solar panel installer: “Do you even need to ask when the Scottish League Cup’s this weekend?”