IT’S the Summer Solstice tomorrow, and celebrations will include every type of mystical bollocks from the Mother Goddess to fae folk. Here’s how to take a more practical, grounded approach.
Use stone circles responsibly
While Stonehenge and other stone circles aren’t fully understood, we can be confident they were religious sites. However, precisely who or what our ancestors worshipped is unclear, so be careful what deity you’re invoking. If some obscure ancient demon called Bumeroth the Arse-F**ker of the Lower Planes goes on the rampage, you have only yourself to blame.
Don’t step on a faerie
Fairies/faeries/the Fae/Fey Folk apparently come out of hiding to interact with humans on the Solstice, so be careful not to tread on any of them with your big stupid feet. The idea of a tiny humanoid gasping its last breaths with its skull crushed or its guts squished out is horrible, so prioritise fairy safety. You can actually buy little hi-vis jackets for Barbies and other dolls on Etsy, so leave a pile of them outside with instructions for fairies to wear them at all times.
Paganism can cause brain damage
Some of the things pagans believe in are: non-specific ‘energies’; tree spirits; reincarnation; nature’s rhythms; chakras; the Mother Goddess; elves; the efficacy of magic spells; crystals; the Horned One; sacred trees; nymphs; dowsing. And that’s just a taster. Did people’s brains stop working before or after they became pagans? We don’t know, but don’t take the risk of listening to them. Wear industrial ear mufflers at all times.
Meditate safely
Any hippy gathering is going to involve meditation in some form. This can have its benefits but on the Solstice it’s usually with the goal of ‘connecting with the sun’s energy’ or similar. The sun’s power output is 386 billion trillion watts, compared to the 500-1400 watts of a typical washing machine. So it’s lucky it’s just vague metaphysical bollocks because actually doing it would f**k you up bad.
Be aware of the risks of Viking worship
Everyone seems to love these yobbish historical sailing bores, and hippies celebrating the Solstice can’t resist appropriating a bit of Norse culture. Viking-style worship features numerous hazards including bonfires, alcohol abuse, axes, an unhealthy meat-based diet and psycho deities like Odin. Plus they were into writing poems. Worship Frigg at your own risk.
Observe bonfire safety
Summer Solstice events almost always involve bonfires and it’s traditional to jump over the flames to bring good luck and ward off evil spirits. Or to not achieve whatever objective you want to make up, really. The best advice when jumping over flames is: don’t. You’ll just catch fire or trip and faceplant yourself in glowing embers, and the only medical treatment on hand will be holding a quartz healing crystal near your third-degree burns.
Check you’re all on the same page with the wicker man
At modern Solstice celebrations burning a wicker man is usually purely for the spectacle rather than actual human sacrifice, but check just in case. Even if you’re with hardcore pagans who are thinking you’d crisp up nicely, you’ve still got a get-out clause: not being a virgin. Unless you’re a virgin, in which case, downer. Getting burned alive really is the icing on the shitty cake, isn’t it?
