Five gestures of affection that really mean your cat hates you

ARE you the type of sap who believes your cat brings in dead birds as a 'gift'? Find out what other signs of love actually mean it thinks you're a wanker.

Mum asks if you're on pot

YOUR mum has asked if you are 'high on pot' and expects a serious answer, it has emerged.

Single man changing duvet cover trying to remember how he did it this time last year

A BACHELOR replacing his duvet cover with a clean one is facing his annual battle to remember how the f**k it is done.

Getting letters, and other things that become shit when you grow up

GETTING a letter as a kid was incredibly exciting, but when you’re grown up it’s most likely to be a council tax bill. So what other things lose their magic when you grow up?

'Out for delivery' and other staggeringly useless pieces of information

SICK of being bombarded with information that pretends to be helpful but is utterly useless? Here are the most pointless examples.

No point being middle class without John Lewis, Britain agrees

THE UK’s middle classes have agreed that without John Lewis there is no point and they may as well wear shell-suits and eat chips in the car outside the chippy. 

How to wean yourself off your lockdown wanking schedule

CURRENTLY enjoying multiple acts of self-love a day? With lockdown easing soon, here’s how to cut back on your debilitating habit.

Gen Z teen making fun of you via f**king stupid dance

AN IRRITATING young person is mocking you by throwing some dumb shapes on TikTok, it has been confirmed.

Are you entitled to a holiday abroad or are you not middle-class?

FOREIGN holidays may not be possible this summer. Are you already looking for loopholes to exercise your God-given right, or is your big shop not from Ocado?

Achieving spiritual enlightenment: Five things easier than getting a mortgage

WANT to buy a house but can't face the gruelling process of applying for a mortgage? Try these incredibly difficult activities that are still easier than doing all that paperwork.