The top six ways your dog will f**k up your life

A DOG is man’s best friend and his greatest burden. This is how your pet will ruin you.

Adorable kitten already showing signs of the vicious bastard cat it will become

A CUDDLY, playful kitten is already displaying the character traits of the savage, vengeful bastard it will be as an adult, his new owner has reported.

Do humans have souls, and other conversations you only have when you're massively stoned

TALKING about the meaning of life? You must be stoned. Here are the other meandering chats you have when you're high as balls.

Five bare minimum beauty standards men have to live up to

SOCIETY expects women to look a certain way, but blokes have beauty standards to live up to as well, such as these bare minimum requirements:

How to boringly celebrate your pathetic adult birthday

FOR KIDS, birthdays are an exciting occasion of cakes and presents. But once you’re an adult they’re nothing more than a new high number to celebrate in these dull ways.

Garden now full of useless summer shit

WITH the weather starting to turn as autumn arrives, all British gardens are now clogged up with pointless summer shit.

Drinks without coasters on wooden tables, and five other things mums wake up screaming about

MOTHERS hold families together, but even they have secret terrors that stalk their very nightmares. These things scare them shitless.

Blue exhaust fumes and five other deadly hazards 70s kids lived with

KIDS in the 1970s faced death-defying risks on a daily basis, and the survivors don’t like to talk about it. Here are six hazards they shrugged off.

The six things your child will lose on their first day of school

YOUR kids are back in school with hundreds of pounds of new stuff, and the useless bastards will have misplaced it all by 3pm. These things already need replacing.

Towels don't need washing because you only use them when you're clean, and other Einstein-level hypotheses

HAS it ever occurred to you that something every sane person thinks or does might be completely wrong? Undiscovered genius Tom Logan expounds his revolutionary ideas.