Lifestyle

Heating fish in a microwave: Antisocial things to do on the Tube if you're not into crack

A MAN openly smoking crack on the London Underground has made the news. It’s already known for its nutters, gangs and perverts, so how should you annoy and horrify passengers in your own inimitable way?

Why, as a 44-year-old man, I am too young to think of settling down

I GET it. Women on apps expect a man of my age to have settled down. The ones aged 24 to 29 anyway. I don’t know what ones over 30 would say. They’re not in my Tinder age range

21 reasons to never, ever move house

MOVING house is widely acknowledged as the only way to live in a different house, but is it worth it? Or should you slump on the sofa looking as a wall you hate forever?

Are you a suburban boat wanker?

DO you live many, many miles from the sea, but still have a boat in your drive as if it were a short hop away? Go through our checklist.

'No', man in Hawaiian shirt told

A MAN who believes the spring weather gives him licence to wear a Hawaiian shirt has been sternly corrected.

Man goes whole week without ejaculating for first time since 1995

A MAN has reached a key milestone in his journey towards respectable old age by getting through seven days and nights without shooting his load.

Chilling is an activity, men confirm

BRITAIN’S men are in agreement that chilling on the sofa, in the pub or in the shed is up there with hiking or windsurfing as an activity.

Woman organising hen party becomes everything she hates

ORGANISING a hen weekend has forced a woman to become everything she has always despised.

Tourists visiting Cotswolds for joy of ruining it for residents

A HUGE influx of tourists to the Cotswolds is only there because making the people who live in its villages miserable is such tremendous fun.

I have cured my electric car's homosexuality, by a right-wing motorist

WHEN my wife insisted on buying an electric car I said 'yes'. Not because I’m an emasculated cuck, though. Because bothering to argue with a woman is what a Beta would do.