Lifestyle

Six insects that are in your house that can f**k off out of it

EVERYTHING’S great, apart from the insects that don’t understand the indoor-outdoor boundary and violate it. Like these pricks.  

Get exactly seven hours sleep: Six great pieces of patronising advice for middle aged people

MIDDLE-AGED people must get seven hours sleep, research has found. So that’s another bloody thing to worry about, along with mysterious clothing shrinkage. Here’s some more advice that can f**k off.

Five warning signs a man is about to remove clothing in public

THERE’S been some slightly warm weather, and that means men stripping off. Luckily, like tremors before an earthquake, these warning signs will help you detect when a man is about to disrobe.

12 things that only happen when you're already pissed off

DO you ever feel like the universe hates you? Why else would it do these things to you when you’re already having a shit day?

Six places it's revolting to have hair, by an advert selling women hair-removal shit

THE most disgusting, unnatural thing you can have is hair on your body. Feel shit about it? Good. Now buy our products and the pain will be worth it.

Lads' mags and other things modern men secretly miss

SOCIETY has come a long way toward fighting misogyny and eliminating sexism, which is great as long as you keep quiet about missing these things.

Ten things you're not going to do no matter how often some prick bangs on about it

SOME wanker’s always trying to get you to watch this or try this or go doing that. You nod and say ‘I really should’ while intending to do no such f**king thing.

Woman's hunter-gatherer instinct activated while foraging through TK Maxx

A WOMAN'S primeval foraging instincts kicked in as she searched through the wilderness of TK Maxx for anything she might actually wear.

6am wake-up, and other ways kids are weekend dickheads

CHILDREN are annoying enough during the week, but at the weekend they find new ways to irritate you. Such as these.

Folding corners instead of using bookmarks: Five red flags for incredibly nerdy people

DATING a nerd? You could be exhibiting problematic behaviour like this without even knowing it.