Five things you really should have grown out of years ago

THINK you’re a sophisticated adult? Then how come you still haven’t left behind these things that are clearly meant for young people, you massive overgrown child?

Were you ever even remotely cool? Take our quiz

WERE you ever close to being a trendy and popular person or have you always been an awkward loser? Deep down you already know the answer, but double-check with our quiz.

Couple can't wait for guests to f**k off so they can go inside

A COUPLE who have not seen their friends for months cannot wait for them to leave so they can stop sitting in the f**king garden.

A huge Celtic tattoo, and four other middle-aged regrets

HAVE you reached the age of realising how stupid you were when young? These decisions, made then, have come back to bite you.

Fisherman's tranquil day of country drinking ruined by massive f**king fish

AN angler's quiet day fishing and getting pissed amidst the wonders of nature was completely ruined by catching a huge, smelly, slimy fish.

The twat's guide to ruining the beer garden for everyone else

THE bank holiday weekend probably means some long-awaited outdoor drinks. Here noted twat Ryan Whittaker gives his tips on how to spoil the experience for those around you.

Six ways you're worried you're not a proper adult

DID you assume you’d be a fully-functioning, grown-up adult by now? Here are the things you thought you’d effortlessly cope with, but can’t.

How I'll be boning through the Hot Vax Summer, by a known bullshitter

PREDICTIONS of a Hot Vax Summer of post-Covid shagging are entirely accurate, according to self-proclaimed love monster Josh Hudson.

Carrie Symonds's guide to your horrible little house

AS THE prime ministerial concubine, I have exquisite taste in home furnishings. No I will not show you my flat, but I will tell you what’s wrong with yours.

At least I'm middle class, says jobless man in £15,000 of debt

A MAN who has lost his job, is behind on his mortgage and buys groceries on a credit card is consoled by the knowledge that he is middle-class.