A MacBook at every table: six locations with air-con currently occupied by wankers

ADVICE to stay at home in the heatwave has been ignored by insufferable twats migrating in search of air-con. Here’s where you’ll find them.

'Ollie won't touch his gazpacho': Six very real middle-class heatwave problems

NOBODY understands how hard it is to maintain standards when you’re middle-class in an awful vulgar heatwave. Francesca Johnson explains her relatable issues:.

Six footwear options for your gross repellent feet in a heatwave

SUMMER is here, shoes are unwearably hot and you’re searching for other options. Treat your repugnant feet to these.

'This old thing?' says woman about £300 dress bought yesterday

A WOMAN complimented on her £300 sundress has modestly pretended it is no more than a soiled rag she unearthed from the bottom of a bin.

Five unflattering features you've got f**k all chance of changing before your holiday

YOUR holiday is booked, but your flabby mass is nowhere near beach body ready. Here are your worst features and how to disguise them.

How to completely waste the tiny sliver of child-free time you get

MANAGED to escape your kids for two minutes? Congratulations. Here is how you will squander your precious free time.

The middle-class guide to playing down your comfortable lifestyle

DO you have a comfortable life and own lots of lovely things? Here's how to make constant, unnecessary middle-class excuses for it all.

The five dumbest tan lines you will get in the next few days

LOOKING to top up your tan during the heatwave? Get ready to be inflicted with these ridiculous tan lines.

The actual drug classification system that every Briton knows in their heart

THE government can say what it likes: every Briton knows that cannabis is Class C and crack cocaine is Class A. Here’s how it actually works.

'You shouldn't say PIN number': Five things pedantic twats love telling you

KNOW-IT-ALLS armed with tedious trivia are everywhere. Hippos kill more people than lions, you can’t lick your own elbow, and so on. Here are five facts we wish we’d heard less times. Or should that be ‘fewer’?