'My west-facing garden is in shade because there's a f**king ship in it': we answer your unexpected grounded container vessel gardening questions

23rd May 2025

GOOD morning. Today we’re hearing from Johan, who’s dealing with some unusual horticultural conditions because he’s woken up with a f**king ship in the garden.

Johan, what’s your issue?

Morning. My garden’s lakeside and west-facing so I’ve planted alliums and astilbe for a splash of colour. However it’s now largely in shade because a f**king great container ship has smashed into it. What should I do?

A container ship! Well, that must have come as a surprise, Johan, but a good gardener can adapt to anything from late frosts to dry springs to f**k-off massive container ships. And though those plants love sun, they’ll do well enough in the shade and the looming hull may even protect them from northerly winds. Next question.

Hello, I’ve generally got a quick-draining soil but I’m concerned my nitrates might become unbalanced because there’s a shitload of f**king sailors pissing in my flowerbeds.

I think this is Johan again! Hi Johan, and I understand your concern. An enormous bastard of a ship disgorging its unruly crew to urinate with abandon isn’t ideal, especially at this time of year. However your soil, and your lakeside position, should mean there’s no lasting damage though you might want to wash your onions! Next question.

Hi. I keep a neat lawn, but I fear a number of large earth-moving machines brought in to dig out this humungous twat of a crashed container ship will ruin it. Any advice?

Johan, give someone else a chance! But I see your problem and yes, in addition to the damage caused by that big f**ker, the diggers will leave your plot looking like Satan’s arsehole. But as the ship is registered in Cyprus and the crew employed by a shell corporation you will likely have no legal recourse. Or to use the Latin name, non iure recursum. Hope that helps!

The Archbishop of Canturbury on... the unexpected homosexuality of a Kylie Minogue audience

23rd May 2025

WAKING with a hangover that has caused my urine to turn violet, I reflect on an event I hosted this week in which delegates of the Church met leading humanists and atheists to find common ground.

Among the attendees was comedian Ricky Gervais, who passed me while I was taking a refreshing draught of vodka in the corridor, evidently on his way to to use the facilities.

‘Oi,’ I said, ‘where do you think you’re going, piss-face? The women’s bogs are over there.’

‘But I’m Ricky Gervais,’ he spluttered, unconvincingly. ‘You know? From After Life? Derek? Extras? The Office? The crab dance in The Office?’

‘Never fucking heard of you,’ I replied. ‘I suspect you of being a trans male. That high voice? That laugh? Your facial hair’s not fooling anyone. Birth certificate or get the fuck out, chum.’

And it was with no small sense of satisfaction that I saw him on the panel later, trousers clearly befouled and knackers kicked. With a chuckle, I perused a periodical to read that Keir Starmer is at odds with chief of staff Morgan McSweeney over scrapping the two-child benefit cap which Starmer wants to lift to McSweeney’s opposition.

Roast my dead dog’s sphincter, who the fuck is wearing the trousers in this relationship? Who the fuck elected McSweeney? Who the fuck knows or gives a fuck who he is? Tell him to to piss off and make you a cup of coffee! I notice his tactic of getting you to turn into Farage-but-duller has you soaring to minus two per cent in the polls! Grow a pair and get rid of the cunt!

Angela Rayner is under fire after proposing that Rachel Reeves consider tax rises rather than benefit cuts. The Sun said ‘God help us all if this die-hard socialist ever sets foot in No 11… or No 10.’

‘Die-hard socialist?’ You silly twats! It’s fucking Prescott all over again. The thicker the Northern accent the more likely they are to be a communist? Don’t you fucking worry, this Atlantic rock will be governed by the right or the hard right until it sinks into the sea! Rayner will do what she always does: toe the fucking line and offer not a left-wing peep as the leadership throws everyone under the bus for the sake of their ministerial car privileges!

In his Spectator column, Rod Liddle writes of broken Britain whose trains and health services, ‘do not arrive here unbidden by accident; they are not visited upon us in a vacuum. We bring down a state of scuzz by buying into patently stupid ideologies and electing the wrong people.’

Fuck my giddy maiden aunt, the wrong people? Is this some sort of fucking admission? In The Spectator, home to Boris fucking Johnson, champion of Margaret Thatcher, David Cameron, Rishi Sunak, and Liz cocking Truss? Do you actually type these columns or just drop your trousers and drag your arse up and down the keyboard? There’s more bollocks in your column than a farmer’s bucket after a long morning’s pig castration!

Finally, a Twitter user @Brian12223753 wrote of Kylie Minogue, ‘Welcome to Glasgow Kylie, I have seen you 5 times in concert but never again as you have went woke and all gay.’

Brian, you’ve been paying attention the last fucking 37 years, haven’t you? Kylie Minogue, famous for such hits as Gayboys Weird Me Out, It’s Adam And Eve, Not Adam And Steve and Gimme Me A Man With No Dick On His Breath. Must have come as an absolute fucking shock when all of a sudden she’s attracting the gay community in droves to her shows! That’s the insidious power of wokeness for you! Next thing you know, it’ll be Nigel Farage gyrating in a rubber singlet on a float at Pride!