Seven hairstyles that used to get you laid but now wouldn't

A FASHIONABLE hairdo is essential when looking for love. But be careful you’re keeping up with the times, as these outmoded styles will only lead to wanking alone now.

Middle-class child's tantrums acceptable because he's wearing Boden

AN odious terror of a toddler is allowed to scream and thrash about in museum cafes because he looks darling in his Boden dungarees, his parents have explained.

Meditating father imagining he's in infinite B&Q

A 49-YEAR-OLD man closes his eyes and imagines he is in an endless B&Q whenever he is stressed.

The twat's guide to getting one car further up in traffic

WHILE idling in traffic, do you wish you were that twat who always manages to be slightly in front of you? Here’s how to win this tiny victory.

Good sex, and other things under-30s are convinced don't happen over 30

FOR young people, the idea of hitting 30 means everything is over. If you’re older than that, have a good cry, because these experiences can never happen in your remaining 50 years.

Toilet lid ominously closed in empty public bathroom cubicle

A WOMAN is wondering whether she should brave a vacant public toilet cubicle where the lid is sinisterly shut.

White middle-class schoolchildren relieved to be conversing in roadman slang again

BRITAIN’S white middle-class teenagers attending excellent schools have slipped effortlessly into speaking like Jamaican roadmen again.

Being yourself only great if you're not an arsehole

EXPERTS have warned that ‘being yourself’, as celebrities and self-help gurus urge everyone to be, is only a positive if you are not a total arsehole.

Letting agents demand proof of your salary to check they're getting all of it

LETTING agents have requested your last three years’ payslips to ensure you are giving them every penny you earn for your poxy one-bedroom flat.

Going to a club alone, and other things that make women empowered but men creepy weirdos

THERE are some activities in life that women are celebrated for, while men are branded as perverts. Here are some of the double standards.