Six things you didn't give a toss about until you became middle-aged

LIFE was carefree when you were young, but now you've drifted into the abyss of middle age all sorts of things leave you weirdly angry. Like these…

How to shop even more cheaply at your scummy budget supermarket, by a Tory minister

YOU aren’t struggling because of the cost of living crisis, it’s because you occasionally splash out on a tub of Lurpak. Here’s my wildly out-of-touch take on shopping on a budget.

What did you come upstairs for? Let's work it out

WE’VE all had a lot on lately, but when you find yourself upstairs and can’t remember why go through this handy checklist.

Why the foreign holiday you've booked will suck balls: the reasons you'd forgotten

NOT been abroad since 2019? Just booked a fortnight? Forgotten what it’s like? This is why you should have gone to Dorset.

Three bikes in the bath: the grim as f**k student houses you lived in

WHILE you may look back fondly on your university days, you lived in some utterly horrifying houses. These will be all too familiar.

Pub staff and other people weirdly not excited about the Bank Holiday

EVERYONE agrees Bank Holidays are great, except for these miserable killjoys who weirdly do not get into the spirit.

Dr Martens boots finish breaking in human

A PAIR of Dr Martens boots have finished turning their owner’s feet into bloody, misshapen slabs of meat, it has emerged.

12 household items that now cost so much they can just f**k off

IS the cost of living crisis making the weekly shop scarily expensive? These items can f**k off.

Six insects that are in your house that can f**k off out of it

EVERYTHING’S great, apart from the insects that don’t understand the indoor-outdoor boundary and violate it. Like these pricks.  

Get exactly seven hours sleep: Six great pieces of patronising advice for middle aged people

MIDDLE-AGED people must get seven hours sleep, research has found. So that’s another bloody thing to worry about, along with mysterious clothing shrinkage. Here’s some more advice that can f**k off.