YOU may behave rationally in your foreign cities, but once you visit our shores you become a tourist and must behave accordingly and annoyingly. Follow these rules:
Be awestruck by mundane shops
A Paul Smith outlet? A Hotel Chocolat? Mother of God, a WH Smith? This is the most amazing sight you, a resident of Madrid, have ever seen! Take as long as you need to drink in its wonder. That vast array of automobile magazines is truly England’s Sistine Chapel.
Set up highly elaborate photo opportunities
A whole-family snap outside Buckingham Palace would make sense. Too much sense. You’re here to subvert expectations, so empower your pit crew of expensively-dressed women to take photos in the middle of busy roads during rush hour.
Walk five abreast while texting
Unlike boring pavements at home, which are for working people, these walkways are just for you. Slow down so you can take in the sights, ie whatever TikTok’s currently playing on your phone. Ignore those commuters. This is your moment to ignorantly walk past history.
Be the most far away from your destination anyone has ever been
Most Brits will politely point you to their local museum. So show an Edinburgh resident a photo of the Giant’s Causeway, a Londoner Bath Spa, and a Penzance man the Beatles Museum, then switch to Google Translate and say ‘Direction?’ hopefully.
Gawp
When in doubt, stop and stare open-mouthed. Ideally somewhere committedly inconvenient like the exit to a train station or the entrance to a football stadium. Awareness of your surroundings is overrated, you can do that back home in Ghent.
Enjoy our country visibly and loudly
Most insultingly of all, in contrast to those surrounding you, be visibly excited and happy to be in Britain. The sentiment will be all the more vibrant to the tube carriage full of people trying to make it past your six enormous suitcases before they miss their stop.
