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Woman holidaying alone on unwilling journey of self-discovery

A WOMAN taking a week’s holiday abroad is weighed down by the expectation that it must be a voyage of emotional exploration and self-discovery.

Joanna Kramer, aged 40, feels herself pressured into activities focused on empowerment, spiritual awakening and embracing her independent womanhood when she would rather get drunk and shag hot Faliraki barmen.

She said: “I blame Eat Pray Love. I can’t open Instagram, which by Christ catches on quick, without a deluge of posts about women whose solo breaks helped them ‘achieve self-acceptance’ or were ‘a quest for meaning’.

“Sounds shit. I’d rather get my tanning hours in then lick salt of a waiter’s nipple before a tequila shot, but instead I’m being told to walk up a mountain at 4am so I can see sunrise from its summit. F**k off.

“Can’t I just do all the stuff you usually do on holiday, but with no-one else there? Do I have to be on a journey to being a better person? Is it really courageous to be off work and lying in the sun?

“One comment on my socials said ‘It seems like you’re running away from something.’ Yes! Britain.”

Counsellor Sophie Rodriguez said: “Unattached women can enjoy vacationing alone only if they gaze dreamily out of windows while it rains, then sigh to let viewers know they’re going to be okay after all.”

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Being a drug mule, and other jobs for truly thick people

EVEN the stupid need jobs, and they’re prepared to overlook the long-term consequences entirely if offered enough. Hence these employment opportunities: 

Voluntary drug mule

Many of those transporting illegal substances across international borders are coerced. Others, when offered cash, are confident six kilos of cocaine in their luggage will go undetected because they regularly take a larger-than-specified holdall on Ryanair and haven’t been stopped once. How risky is it, really? What, 20 years in an ex-Soviet prison?

Selling stolen goods in pubs

Why should supermarkets rip off the working man? You’re supporting hardworking British families by hawking shoplifted cuts of meat to the customers at your local, with a sideline in shampoos from Amazon packages you’d hoped were iPhones. And no need for this small business to do self-assessment tax!

Being a mukbanger

‘Mukbang’ is a Korean term for an individual who sits before a camera eating massive amounts of (deeply unhealthy) food. You could do that. It’s the perfect role for someone who has no discernible skills, no concern for their long-term health, and no hope of making their grandparents’ proud.

Buying clothes to sell them

You can make a nice little profit selling clothes you don’t wear anymore on Vinted. But that wasn’t enough, so you’ve started buying on Vinted then selling on DePop, or vice versa, and are already netting a cool £60 a month. All you need is for Princess Kate to be photographed in that Matalan onesie you picked up for £2.20 and you’ll be a millionaire.

Appearing on reality TV

Best case scenario, you become Molly Mae and have to pretend to break up with your boyfriend for money. Worst case you ruin your life, make yourself unemployable, can’t leave your house, can’t find another job and the Daily Mail does a write up about your pathetic life six months on. On balance it seems worth it.

Being ripped off

And there’s always just being defrauded, a role for which the unintelligent are perfect. Whether it’s cryptocurrency, non-existent casks of whiskey or just your mate Brandon’s pop-up festival curry stall, sinking money into a lost cause then appearing on local news reports claiming you couldn’t have known is a banker. Thank you for your service.

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