Drunken visionary invents cinque formaggi pizza

A PISSED man has blown the culinary world apart by adding a fifth cheese to pizza.

When Stephen Malley staggered home from a night out, little did he realise that moments after tripping over the cat and banging his head on a cupboard, he was to revolutionise the world of convenience food.

He said: “After a drink, because it had been 20 minutes since the pub, I remembered the bog-standard quattro formaggi pizza in the freezer. Get that f**ker cooked, I thought.

“But in the time it took the oven to heat up I’d somehow prised off and eaten quite an amount of the frozen grated cheese and that’s when inspiration struck.

“There was a wedge of Stilton in the fridge my wife had specifically told me not to eat. After taking a big bite, then unwrapping it, I took another big bite and crumbled the rest onto the pizza. That’s how Cinque Formaggi was born.

“It took a visionary to create, then eat, then fall asleep on the sofa, then work out how he’d created it the next day with a hangover, but I believe it will revolutionise Italian cuisine once someone tells them. Has anyone got a number for the Pope?”

He added: “I could, in theory, create a six-cheese pizza because they sell brie on Sainsbury’s deli counter. But I don’t know the Italian for ‘six’ so I haven’t.”

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Man so f**ked he can't remember anything about festival 'had amazing time'

A MAN who does not have a single coherent memory of a music festival he spent the weekend at firmly believes he had the time of his life. 

43-year-old Nathan Muir attended Britpop revival festival Last Orders in Hebden Bridge while being so off his face he remembers less of it than a pet goldfish, taken along to watch Sleeper’s headlining set from within a bag, would remember.

Friend Joe Turner said: “He’s at that age where he gets incredibly excited about having a weekend off from the kids. By 6pm Friday he’d smashed four pints in direct sunlight, which is worse for middle-aged men than for vampires.

“After that he purchased four unidentifiable pills from a shady 20-year-old, did one, did another because the first wasn’t working, and was last seen sitting in a bush asking who had stolen his trainers which he was wearing.

“He didn’t sleep, began Saturday with vodka Red Bull at 8am and you can imagine how the rest of the day went. If he says Terrorvision were incredible on the main stage it’s bullshit. At that point he was in the welfare tent crying.”

Muir said: “Terrorvision were incredible on the main stage.”