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Friend who doesn't follow the news might be onto something

YOUR friend who you have previously mocked for their lack of interest in current affairs may have had the right idea the entire time, you have admitted. 

While previously you have laughed at Martin Bishop for thinking Angela Rayner was Stacey Dooley, the events of the weekend have forced you to note that he seems healthier, happier and not in the least concerned about armageddon.

Eleanor Shaw said: “I was first to take the piss when Martin said ‘What, Puff Daddy’s on trial is he? Is it for nicking that tune from the Police for his Princess Di song?’

“But lately, as I try not to compulsively check who’s bombing who in the Middle East, I’ve found myself craving his state of enlightened ignorance. He begins to seem like the Buddha.

“I asked what he’d got up to this weekend, and he cheerfully recounted a bottomless brunch and watching a film. No mention of pissing away hours doomscrolling hashtags like #Iran and #IsThisWorldWar3 then lying awake until 4am. He was happy.

“Maybe it’s not too late for me. I could delete all my news apps, repeatedly slam my head in a car door and be oblivious just like Martin. I just want to be free from the burden of knowledge.”

Bishop said: “Trump’s president again, is he? Doesn’t matter to me. I’m not American and they’re all the same anyway.”

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Trump: 'Like my tariffs, this cannot backfire in any way'

PRESIDENT Trump has confirmed that, like his imposition of tariffs on the entire world, airstrikes on Iran cannot possibly have any negative consequences. 

The tariffs, which were imposed on Liberation Day and brought in virtually no money before being suspended across the board, were such a success the president decided that war with Iran was equally risk-free.

He said: “I’ve warned Iran not to retaliate, so they won’t. That’s how it worked out with tariffs.

“Apart from admittedly with China, where they raised tariffs, then I raised tariffs, then they raised tariffs, then I raised tariffs, then I decided they’d learned their lesson and dropped tariffs. But this isn’t like that, or it would involve retaliatory attacks on US targets.

“No, this is military action without consequences. There is literally no way a country that’s spent decades building international terror networks can hit back. They’re only backed by Russia and China.

“Just as those countries I imposed tariffs on were powerless to respond, apart from selling so many US bonds I unilaterally suspended all the tariffs, so Iran is powerless. They should change their regime. I should take charge.”

Benjamin Netanyahu said: “We have the backing of the US in this conflict. There is no way their leader will, when it gets difficult, get bored and wander off.”

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