THE first arrivals at Glastonbury are shitting with barely a tremor of revulsion, they have gleefully confirmed.
Ticketholders have rushed into the festival and hardly bothered to secure all the best pitches before rushing to the toilets to gaze into their pristine loveliness then curl one down.
Lucy Parry, aged 22, said: “Did you hear the echo on that? That’s my log hitting two million litres of mint-condition turd storage. Better than Neil Young and the Chrome Hearts.
“This is why you come early. There’s not really anything on, but you get a feel for the place. meet old festival friends, and don’t crap in anything less than virgin until Friday.”
28-year-old Jack Browne said: “You get in, there’s an opening ceremony where Emily Eavis parks one in a porcelain toilet right there on the Pyramid stage – it’s not plumbed in – then it’s a befouling free-for-all. By Sunday you’ll be greeting old shitstains as friends.
“Then on Sunday I’ll be on my way while the last fading strains of Olivia Rodrigo are in the air. Arrive early, f**k off early, with a headful of dumping memories.”
He added: “Last year I couldn’t get tickets so had to watch at home, but it wasn’t the same. The shitter in my flat’s disgusting.”
