ARGENTINA has been warned that if it ever does get its hands on the Falkland Islands it will wonder why it bothered. 

The South Atlantic islands are shrouded in perpetual rain, battered by wind, have no outstanding geographical features and are cold all year round, but are claimed by Argentina as sovereign territory presumably because they have never been there.

Foreign secretary Ed Miliband said: “They’re the size of Northern Ireland but only three-and-a-half thousand people live there. Yeah. They’re that much less appealing than Northern Ireland.

“Sheep thrive, penguins love it, but humans? Not so popular with them. These are rocks so bleak trees barely grow on them. The only settlers were Scots who found their home country too convivial for their liking.

“If India was the jewel in the crown of the British Empire, the Falklands were a stray vajazzle that caused an ingrown hair. 

“Seriously, the only reason we’ve held on to them is they’re such a wet, cold, wretched place to eke out a miserable existence that they’re unmistakably British.

“Why not just enjoy the sunshine, the beaches, and the football prowess of Argentina and forget the Falklands? What’s that? Your economy’s f**ked and you need something to divert voters? Understandable. Britain did much the same back in 1982.”