MILLIONS of Britons have agreed to end the misery of painfully awkward occasional conversations with their neighbours.

With the summer weather causing more people to have outdoor chats, neighbours are finally confronting the problem by agreeing to pretend the other person literally does not exist. 

Tom Logan of Crewe said: “Every time I see Martin next door we have a weird, stilted conversation that neither of us enjoys. Now we’ve done the right thing and agreed to completely blank each other all the time.

“There’s no tension, just relief. I’ve always suspected Martin is a bit of a knob but I honestly can’t be arsed to find out if he’s alright once you get to know him or has had a difficult life so I should cut him some slack.

“I told him exactly this yesterday, and he said he’d always assumed I was the worst kind of Audi-driving sales wanker, which I very much am. So everything’s cool between us.”

Donna Sheridan of Ipswich said: “Sometimes Elaine next door and I chat over the fence, during which I’m thinking: ‘F**k, make this end, I don’t really know her, I sound like a twat because I’m not great at smalltalk and I’m so self-conscious now I’m struggling to think of banal shit about the weather.’

“Now we’ve agreed to never speak again and say ‘Shut the f**k up, bitch’ if one of us forgets. I don’t think I could ask for a better neighbour.”