Prince Andrew commits perfect crime

PRINCE Andrew probably walked out of Buckingham Palace with more than £2m in jewels – after being caught by the police.

Experts believe the Duke of York raided his mother’s bedroom and then waited in the Palace grounds until he was confronted by armed officers who did not recognise him immediately.

The Duke would then have pretended to be furious, asking the officers if they knew who he was, before walking away without being searched.

Tom Logan, a burglar, said: “Andrew has played this one surprisingly well.

“Not only will the officers have been embarrassed by the fact that they tried to arrest a prince, but they will also automatically assume that Andrew is too stupid and useless to have concocted a jewel robbery.

“The incident would have been the perfect distraction as he slipped out of the country. I suspect he is already sunning himself on the Cote D’Azur while sipping a big, fancy cocktail.”

It is understood Prince Andrew has been planning to steal from his mother since the last of his central Asian ‘business patrons’ realised he was a total and utter waste of time.

Insiders have also speculated that the rekindling of his romance with ex-wife Sarah means he needs the extra cash to feed her insatiable desire for gaudy trinkets.

A source said: “Now he has escaped with the diamonds it’ll be nothing but golf, golf, golf.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Tokyo Olympics to include Takeshi's Castle

THE 2020 Olympic Games in Tokyo will test athletes to their physical limits by including High Rollers, Bridge Ball, and Skipping Stones.

Takeshi’s Castle, which leaves most participants with skull fractures and permanent spinal damage, will be included alongside more light-heartedly insane games where top athletes dress as giant blueberries.

A spokesman for the International Olympic Committee said: “With hilarious commentary by Craig Charles, the new event will give spectators something more entertaining to watch than running and jumping for no apparent reason.

“And for once the audience will contain more drugs than the athletes.”